Separation Anxiety

I am physically ill. She and I are not speaking. These facts are independent of each other.

I am having another bout with sickness. I had been sick often in the past. Now perhaps once again I have Crohn's disease. The disease disappeared and I thought I was healed. In fact, I was healed. I was medication free and symptom free for nearly three years. But then I developed a fistula and now I may have to have surgery. I was on some medication for the fistula and from that (I believe) I developed inflammation of my pancreas. I am now in the midst of numerous tests and investigations. I won't know what it is for some time. Fortunately it is not as bad as before. In fact, this seems mild. But I am at the mercy of God right now. My health is in His hands.

In the midst of all this, she told me she wants to "surrender me to the Lord." I was unwilling, but I agreed. After that I spoke to her twice, and have completely stopped all communication with her. My exam is coming up and I also have to work around my sickness. Hopefully the surgery will happen soon. This is very difficult. She may not come back. But I have to leave it in God's hands. What can I do? She may never be mine. It is numbing to be sick and to lose her in such a short time. I can only cling to the Lord. I have nothing. But considering the circumstances, I am doing ok. I just pray that if it is not His will, God will end it soon and suddenly, to make it less painful. How utterly depressing. But I am supposed to rejoice. I forgot. Yahoo!!!!!! Wheee!!!!! Well, not exactly like that, but I think I can draw closer to God and deepen my walk with Him. Bring it on Lord. I wonder how sick I will get. What more can happen?