Saturday, September 01, 2007

Two Months Later

She sent me an email titled "Final Closure."  That was about one month ago.
 
She gave me reasons for ending the relationship.  Firstly, I hadn't passed my exams, she wasn't willing to marry into an Indian family and she didn't want to marry a doctor.  She also said that she felt that God wanted her to go in a "different direction."  She said that her decision to leave me was "final and unchanging."
 
I expressed my love for her and she said if I felt that way perhaps we shouldn't talk or communicate.
 
So for her it is over.  Completely.
 
For me, some may say it is denial.  But I truly believe that God brought us together and that is why I continued the relationship for over three years.  Now, I will wait on the Lord.  Either He will bring her back or he will bring someone else into my life.  Or perhaps I will have to remain single. 
 
I have to look at the fact that I might have been wrong and THOUGHT it was God's will when it wasn't.  Or it is God's will and he will bring her back.  There are other possibilities, but I won't get into that.
 
I just know forgiveness is crucial, and waiting on God for direction is crucial.
 
Time will tell.
 
:-)
 
 

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Who is in charge?

I am learning to let go and realize that God has His hand on me (and on her). This is a test of my faith and how much I believe in God. Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief (C.S. Lewis). If I truly believe I will lean on Him and wait on Him. Only He knows the future. I do not!

This is a memorable post from last year, interestingly enough, I saw her last, about one year after this following post was written:

Last year's mission conference.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Closure

I guess I have to find out the reasons she left me and learn from them. I am sure I made mistakes and I don't know if anything I could have done could have salvaged the relationship, but I need to know my faults and how I have hurt her. But I have to wait for God to tell me how to go about this.

But if she ever reads this: I am truly deeply sorry for hurting you and causing you pain.

Friday, June 22, 2007

The End

My parents wanted to invite her to my sister's baby shower. I knew I shouldn't call her but on the spur of the moment I called during her lunch hour to tell her of the invitation. I left a voicemail. I missed her call at around 4:30 pm, but returned it about 20 minutes later. She was on the other line (I could tell from the ring). She answered and didn't say anything for a few moments. I then started speaking and said hesitatingly why I called--about the baby shower invitation. I said I didn't know if I should have called. Then she said that she had been meaning to email me.

She said that she has been feeling a lot of freedom and that it wasn't fair to me to keep this going on until August 1st. So she said she wanted to end the relationship. I said ok, I would send her the cellphone and some of the pictures of her that I had. I think I said I would pray for her and that I wished her the best. And we both hung up. It was a brief conversation. But it is over. The conversation and the relationship. This is the way I remembered the conversation, the actual events might be different, but this is the way I remembered them.

I think we last saw each other in early May and we last spoke one month ago.

I have a lot of feelings but I can't express them here. She may read this and that is not right if there is no relationship to pass or send messages to her. I don't know when or if I will take the blog down.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Shocker Number Three

So my parents are ok with it. And "Allen" and my other friend were both going to go and help me buy the ring. I wanted to get it done. No reason to delay. At least the ring would be on her finger and I could study for my last exam. How exciting! Of course, before buying the ring, I would talk to her dad about it. And my parents, as well...

Meanwhile, I hadn't had my Remicade since the end of last year. I had problems with my insurance and hadn't gotten it reinstated. I finally got things settled, but I feel great. Why should I go through the Remicade if I feel fine? And the fistula had closed as well! I have to accept that as God's healing. But I will have to wait and see...

That is a major decision to make. And my parents are both having health issues as well. So I have to help them out. My mom just had a surgery and my dad is having one as well. In addition I have to take my exam this summer. I cannot postpone any longer. And...and...my car died and I had to fix it myself to save money. So I ordered the part and it took a week to come in! And when it came in my mom was recovering from surgery and we were driving to and from the hospital and rehabilitation place. So with that and work and studies there was no time. I was using my bicycle to commute and getting dropped off if it rained. And the studies weren't going well because I couldn't get to the library. Well fortunately all these things worked out fine and my car is running well and back on the road. My mom is doing well and in well on her way to recovery.

During this time, I called her and told her that I felt neglected and lonely. To be fair, she was pretty busy herself. She was and is involved with many things. And she was seriously pursuing a job change. After much thought she declined the job offer and stayed with her current company. And she had also joined another church group and they were sponsoring a speaker whom she had invited to speak. So she was very busy doing that. All I wanted was just for her to listen to me and hear what was going on. I patiently listened when she was considering the job offer, and I drove up there to support her when her dad had his surgery (which was very major). I did the right thing. And I also did the right thing to tell her how I felt. Which was the truth. All I wanted was to hear from her was something like, "What can I do?"

Instead she got upset at me and said that she lives far away and I can't expect certain things from her. And she stopped calling me. She stopped talking. Everytime I called she was abrupt and was acting distant. I started to do the same.

Finally the speaker came and the event occurred. So I decided to call her and ask how it went. She was very abrupt and cold. I asked her what was going on. She said that I shouldn't be living with my parents. She said that I should have passed my exam by now. And a lot of other things were said including that my views on her talking to other men was ridiculous.

I told her that she agreed to that, we made several agreements, one being that we would have a "say" on friends of the opposite sex. I have put my foot down on occasion, yet have not on other occasions. The conversation ended.

Two days later, she was still acting strange. Distant and cold. We had exchanged email passwords a long long time ago. Every now and then I would get in her box to see what someone had emailed her, for example a Pastor's wife emailed her (I supported her in that as well), and she would want my opinion. Since she wasn't talking to me, I was getting really worried. What was going on?

So I started checking her email again. I saw an email from one of her older women friends that I knew. It said something regarding me, saying that she should tell me gently and ease a certain piece of news upon me. I was stunned, although I felt something coming, and I knew it wasn't good. I called her right away and told her I read this. She was upset at me. She was angry. She said I shouldn't have done that, and I asked her why she gave me her password to begin with? She said I got it all wrong. I asked her to explain. I don't remember much of what followed. I think I was in shock. But I knew I needed to study and I couldn't put up with this anymore. Emotional highs and lows. Incredible. She said she was confused and we had planned to meet and talk about it. But I discovered the email. And so she told me she didn't know if she wanted to marry me. She said that God had some plans for her and they didn't seem to fit in with mine. She couldn't imagine being a doctor's wife. She needed time to think it over. I told her to give me time to study unhindered for my exam. So we are taking a two-month break. And I said lets just break up. Completely. And if we are the ones for each other we will definitely get back together.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Finally...an answer...

I haven't written because things have been going really well for me. Life has been great. So that is why I haven't blogged. When things are good, you don't blog. At least that is the case for me!

An offshoot of my Church Bible study is a Men's morning time of prayer and sharing. It started with me needing an accountability partner (at her request). Another man wished to join, so it was the three of us, for the past few months. This other man, lets call him Allen, actually had met my parents before. So Allen and I started going to church together. He would come to my home to pick me up for church. He was always early and I always late. So he would come in and chat with my parents. One Sunday I awoke to get ready, and as I was about to take a shower, I heard my parents arguing. So I came down to see what was going on.

My mom (who has been unable to drive due to health reasons) wanted to visit my sister but for some reason (stubborness?), my dad was resisting. By the time I came down he had changed his mind. But now, the stubborn pendulum had swung the other way, and my mom didn't want to go anymore. (Incidentally, I have lots of flaws and stubborness is one of them!). So I offered to drive my mom, but I said that Allen was coming to take me to church. Then my dad said he would go to church with Allen! So Allen showed up and there I was unshaven and in my pajamas (not actually pajamas, but sweatpants and a T shirt). He didn't seem surprised to see me. And when we suggested that my dad would go in my place to church, Allen was fine with it. So with the switch complete, I went with my mom to my sister's place and my dad went to my church with Allen.

We had a great time with my sister, we went out to eat and hung out and my mom seemed pretty happy.

Later on I found out that my dad and Allen had a great time together. Of course, my parents didn't say a thing about that. I had to find out from Allen. And then Allen told me that he brought up the subject of my marriage and the woman I have been seeing for three years. And my dad said that they were fine with it and that they didn't mind us getting married!

Shocker number one.

A couple of weeks later, I was at work and my parents called Allen. It was early evening a little after 7 pm and they asked him if he would come over. Normally he wouldn't go out that late, as he sleeps somewhat early, but he went over to my house (yes, I still live at home with my parents). Then my parents prayed with him and prayed for my girlfriend by name that we would get married, and get married soon!

Shocker number two.

This was amazing and a true answer to prayer. I was waiting for my parents to approve and they finally did. I was doing this because the Bible clearly says to honor your parents. So finally honoring them had paid off! After three years of waiting... you know, she had only been to my house one time. And she had only met my parents twice, the first time was the day we met, and the second time was at our house. She hadn't seen or spoken to my parents in three years! At their choice. And she was still standing by me. She was still waiting for me. What a woman! how many people would wait like that? Not many. Yet another reason to love her.

When I called her and told her, she was doubtful. She just didn't believe, but she said that time would tell if my parents were being genuine. And yet even though they agreed there were no overtures on their part to reconcile the relationship or to start communication. She must still be hurt, I could see that. But this is a major step forward and an answer to prayer from many people. The next step was to get a ring, take my final exam, and talk to her father and then propose in a crazy, shocking, off-beat way to show her my love (I don't have much money for the ring so the proposal will have to carry the weight of my love rather than the carats!).

To show you how strange my mind is. Above, when I wrote the word pajama, my mind started moving (I know, she is saying FINALLY!). I was thinking about how we always have seen children with pajamas, and they still wear them. And even the adults used to wear pajamas as well. I remember watching "I Love Lucy" and "The Christmas Carol" and seeing them wearing pajamas. But now no adults wear pajamas anymore at least not on television. And at home? Perhaps some wear sweatpants but no PJs. So why is that the case? I think because television dictates our lives. And vice versa. Television and life parallel each other. And instead of Desi and Lucy putting on pajamas and laying in beds exactly 36 inches apart (or whatever it was), now we see what people do in and out of bed! So the pajama has fallen by the way and replaced with lingerie.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Time passes, I progress, parents don't change

I passed the exam. Found out about one month ago. One exam to go.

My mom is so bitter. She says she has been sick and no one cares. Honestly, I didn't know. She doesn't tell anyone at all. She wasn't in the hospital. Between my job, studies, and visiting my girlfriend on the weekends, I am not home often. And when I see my mom, she doesn't tell me she is ill. I asked what can I do? Please tell me when you are sick so I can help you. That is as far as I can go. And I will forgive her.

She says I despise her. I asked her how do I do that, when did I do that? She said that I told my sister negative things about my mom. Two years ago, when my parents were causing a ruckus and trying to disrupt the relationship with my girlfriend and I, I went to some people at their church. They were the leaders of the church and I said my parents were disrupting something that I believed God was doing in my life. They listened and had me recount the story again to someone else and asked my parents to meet with them. My parents met with them very reluctantly. They then wanted to meet with my parents and I together. My parents refused. Since then my dad has not been allowed to speak in the church. That is, not to give messages and things like that. My dad has been blaming me, saying it is my fault that this has happened.

I never said anything but the truth when mentioning my parents to anyone. I spoken graciously and never said anything untrue or slanderous. In fact, I barely spoke to anyone about them. Yet, they talked to dozens of people about myself and my health.

So earlier this year, my sister and I were talking, and she mentioned that at the church they were treating my dad in a funny way. I told her what happened. I was also under the impression that my mom had complained to the church elders in the past about my dad. I told my sister that it wasn't just what I said that reduced my dad's capacity at the church, but also my mom's actions. Apparently my mother never spoke to the people at the church about my dad, although she may have done it in the past to a previous church (she wouldn't confirm or deny this). I tried to apologize, but she wouldn't hear it. I tried to explain that my dad was blaming me, when there are other people who are responsible, primarily my dad. It was ugly and she blamed me over and over, and said how terrible I was and just went on and one. She then started to question my Christianity. I walked away.

It is really hard to study when all this stuff is going on.