Forward

Today I went to visit some friends of mine at my Bible study. I have an exam coming up, and they helped me prepare by bringing a meal and allowing me to practice on them as patients. It was a delicious meal and the time was extremely productive. They were all watching me, all seven of them, and it was really stressful as some of them chose to be funny, or obnoxious or as they all laughed at real answers that were made. This was designed to test my unflappability, and my focus. The time was really well spent. And I did 7 full cases, and did well on all of them. What a blessing to have 7 people give up a perfectly good evening to help me. They really love me. There were times when I felt full of self-pity and was depressed and feeling alone. But for the first time in my life, during the process of studying--I felt the presence of God. I felt such incredible peace. I always separated my studies and God. But for the first time, today they came together.

At the end they all prayed for my examination. And one brother spoke a prophetic word over me. Saying that the Lord was with me and had an angel with me. The angel was standing behind me and was going with me. Also he said the Lord had given His mantle to me or had His mantle upon me. And that despite my culture's belief in medical practice, and the pressures and prestige the culture had insisted upon for my medical career, God had a plan for me all along. God has a plan for my future in medicine. And that my exam would go well. And God would go with me. It was quite amazing. I had to write this down. I feel God's hand upon me. Not that I am someone special, but that in all my struggles and difficulties, with my health and with my studies, nothing has come easily for me. Yet, now I can see that in His time and in His way God is working in my life. Not the way I expected it, no summit at the top of the mountain, no great notoriety, but in a quiet gentle way, I am learning my lessons. And growing closer to my Lord.

There was a missions conference at her church. She asked me to go, but I felt I needed to study, so I declined. A few days before the mission conference we had a fight. I don't remember about what. If I wracked my mind, I think I would remember. But the point is we were fighting. So the night before the conference, she refused to talk to me. I was so upset. I was angry. The morning of the conference, a one-day conference, I awoke at 6 a.m. This never happens. Especially since I fell asleep well after midnight. That night I had called her twice, and though she didn't hang up on me, the conversations were brief--she didn't want to talk. So I sat with my phones next to me, waiting for her to call me. Finally I went to bed, but not after praying and reading my bible. I read Proverbs 3:4-5. Someone had talked to me about these verses. First, comes the trust in God. Second, comes acknowledging Him, or including Him in your life. Finally, as the NLT version says, "He will direct your paths." So there are two steps, according to this scripture, before God will direct you. So how could I ask God to direct me if I didn't follow what he had already shown me?

So I prayed and felt some peace, that He would work it out. But at the same time I felt that I had to study and I couldn't go on with these petty arguments, and near-breakups. These things were keeping me from studying. So I decided to seriously consider ending the relationship for now, for the purpose of studying.

I lay in bed, the early morning light filling my room. And everytime I looked at the clock the time had barely moved. With all this stress from the fighting, I would not be able to sit in a quiet library and study. So I was thinking to go up there to the conference. Usually, in the mornings, I wake up and in between clock-checks, at least an hour goes by. Not today. The time slowly moved. After some time, it was nearing seven. At that point, I prayed and didn't feel anything saying I should or shouldn't go. So I figured I would get up and get ready and perhaps somewhere on the way, she would call and tell me that we should meet, because we couldn't leave these arguments unresolved. After all, she couldn't go to the conference without me, right? As I got ready, I kept looking at the phones...no calls. I got in my car and kept checking on the drive to her church. Nothing. I realized halfway there that she wasn't going to call. I was upset, I called my friend and he agreed when I felt that I should break up with her. But he said to go up there and buy her some flowers. But I thought I don't want to influence her, let me go and see what she says and then go from there. If she doesn't listen or doesn't change or isn't willing to compromise, then I would end the relationship.

I came in late, and she was there. She hadn't called me. Hadn't thought about me and was sitting in the front row, laughing at the speakers one-liners. I was furious. How could she be laughing when I was going through so much! Finally she saw me and during one of the pauses she came back to see me. I gave her this cold hard glare.

I didn't want to sit next to her because I didn't want all these new people to think we were a couple especially since we had this major fight and were on the cusp of breaking up. I felt my presence there was more than a compromise. She offered me food during the lunch. I hadn't eaten in almost 20 hours. I was that upset.

One of the hosts, introduced himself to me, and wanted to connect me with someone there. A Medical Missionary doctor. One who had finished Med school in the US and had practiced his entire career in South Asia. In a remote part of the world where no one wanted to go. This man, the Surgeon, just looked at me and tried to make conversation. I really didn't want to meet anyone, but I was being polite so we made small talk.

A few minutes later, as the afternoon session was about to start, she came up to me and asked me what I thought of the conference. I told her, we can talk about that later, but right now, I want to know, when can we talk? We have so many unfinished problems that are unresolved and I want to know when we can talk about them! She walked away. I was furious. All she had to say was, after the conference we can talk! Then she came back and asked if we could go to the next session of the conference. I said no. I was leaving. I would meet her at 4 p.m. at a local coffee shop. I walked out.

I drove around and tried to find a library to study in. But I couldn't find one. I drove to the coffee shop and sat in the parking lot. Then she called me. I think she just said come back now, lets talk now. I went back. And she was waiting for me outside. I said, I want a time when we can talk. At least give me that. She said, no first come inside and attend the conference. I almost blew up, and she said just go home. I felt like throwing the cell phone at her and slammed it down on the table. I was so angry, I don't remember what we said, just that people were walking by and noticing us. I had learned from her not to hide my feelings, and I wasn't.

She must have agreed on talking after the conference, because we found ourselves in the back of the room. I didn't listen much but some of the photos of recovered patients touched me.

After the afternoon session was over, I wanted to get out and talk to her. I wanted to leave. I saw the Surgeon looking around. He stood up and his eyes were searching the room. I was right behind him. Then he turned around and said, "There you are, I was looking for you!" He asked me a little bit about himself. He looked like Robert Duval. Except shorter.

He kept looking right into my eyes. I could see his pupils clearly. He had steel blue eyes and the look he gave me was not of dominance or strength, but a look of fascination. I was puzzled. This Surgeon and his wife had spent their lives as doctors in South Asia, and he had this apparent interest in me. I told him I didn't feel a desire to be a missionary doctor. I knew there were more important people there. People much more skilled, much more gifted, much more intelligent, and most of all, much more in tune with God. But I was the center of his attention. What about those other people? Talk to them! I had to go and talk with my girlfriend! One week ago, I was about to propose to her, and seven days later we were about to end the relationship! What did he want from me?!!?!

In being polite, I asked how he ended up spending decades outside the US. He had decided to do this before starting medical school. He had met his wife in Medical school and they had both decided to be missionaries to a foreign country before they even met! So I asked him about his books he had written. He then suggested one, which I should read. He then walked over to the table, and said he would give me a book. He signed it and gave it to me. All the emotion from the fight with my girlfriend started coming up. This man cared about me. No one else did, not even her. But he cared and at that moment, when I was feeling the most wretched inside. When I was running through my mind all my myriad problems, here was a man showing love to me. Just a pure and honest and open love. A caring love, and he did it with his actions and with his time.

I took the book. I told him how I awoke early, and that I wasn't planning on coming, wasn't going to go to the mission field, but here I was at the conference. He told me I was there for a purpose. I asked him, "Why me?" Why are you focusing on me? There are other here, why do you care about me? He said that God had a plan in bringing me here. After being upset for a few days, and having no one to talk to, tears started coming up in my eyes. I averted my eyes and thanked him. I had his contact information and told him I would email him. He thanked me. And he probably saw my tears. I walked away, in haste, rapidly shaking a few people's hands as I left.

She came with me, and didn't notice the tears, I had just wiped away. She didn't want to come and talk. I realized why. I realize why she refused to set up a time to meet me. Or why she didn't call me. The reason was that I was speaking in an authoritative tone. I hard tone of voice that barely concealed my anger. I said we were going to go whether she like it or not. She said that I was going to yell at her. She was scared. Her dad had yelled at her her whole life. Now I was going to. I felt compassion for her. The wall around my heart lost a brick.

I drove the car next to her and tried to pick her up and put her in the car. She fell out of my hands partially into a pile of dirt. With a smile, I said she was in deep doo-doo. She laughed.

We went to the coffee shop. After getting the coffee, she tried to delay. Let's go outside...it's too cold in here...I told her she could go first, and that I wouldn't yell. No one should interrupt either. I asked her what was wrong. She started. I said tell me what you feel and don't make accusations. She said she felt trapped, she felt smothered, she felt pressured. She wasn't happy, etc. The list went on and on. Not one positive thing. It was absolutely dismal. I asked her if all these things you are feeling are true. Then why are we still together? Give me a reason why we are together! She had no answer. I hadn't even started to talk about my problems with the relationship. I then told her, lets just break up. Just end it. I could see a tear in her eye. But she didn't seem crushed. We went out to my car.

I spoke of the surgeon and how he cared about me and his love towards me. Then I started to cry, just for a moment, and composed myself. She said that was good to cry, but I said I didn't want to influence her and didn't want her to see me do that. She hugged me. I started crying even more. I poured out all the things I was going through. All my feelings, my sickness, my parents, their expectations, hers, my failures, everything. I wept and wept. And inbetween she kept asking why did the Surgeon touch me so much? I told her it was the love of Jesus that he was showing me. His eyes were the eyes of Jesus. And that was because he sacrificed himself so much that Christ lived in Him. And Christ in him couldn't be hidden. We hugged and cried and cried and hugged.

We were together. We never really broke up. I had never broken up with her. We saw the love that was there. She was scared of me. I just wanted to talk. We were together looking at each other. And the love was a blinding light. It shined so bright all the problems disappeared. We reached a new level. A higher level. God was real. We were real, and our love was there. I have never been loved that way and I have never loved like that.