Versed

Versed is a benzodiazepine, it is also known as midazolam. It is a drug used for anesthesia. And I am on it because I had a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I couldn't eat anything solid and I took some laxatives, so that my colon would be empty. It was empty and it was not too pleasant. Then today I went for the colonoscopy without eating or drinking anything from midnight, last night. Things went well, there were no complications--they could have torn the lining of the intestine, it could have bled and I would have needed a transfusion, or I could have had an adverse reaction to the anesthetic. So what did they find? They found ulcers in my colon. There is inflammation in my colon. And ulcers. I most likely have Crohn's disease or Ulcerative colitis. The doctor wants me to start a drug called Remicade. It is a new drug and can be pretty bad. I have had reactions to all these drugs and now, I have to take another drug. I am really upset. Primarily because I can't even tell the person I love, what is happening and how I feel. She doesn't even know what is happening. I want to call or tell her, but we agreed to take a break. And also I am afraid, if I tell her at this point, she will not want to marry her. Her parents know I am sick and now, they will be against it as well. Why didn't she just end the relationship? Why didn't she just break up?

I have to lean on the Lord and let him have His way with me. Perhaps I am supposed to be going through this for a reason. To build character, to build endurance, to grow closer to the Lord. I know all of this will happen. But what about my helper? What about the one I love, shouldn't she be by my side? Does she even love me anymore? When I call, I don't hear a hint of care. Just matter-of-fact tone. Not malicious, but just even, measured. Now I wonder, perhaps she realizes that I am not the one for her. And she is willing to give me up. Perhaps she doesn't want it anymore. Even if this is not God's will for my life, it will hurt so badly. To have the person I love, not want me any longer. That will hurt, and yes, I will recover and get over it. I do want God's will in my life. Why, though, would he let this go so far and then say no? We were actually getting signs that we SHOULD marry. But that could all change.

I don't think I can find anyone like her. She is the person that I can spend the rest of my life with. Finding another Indian, Christian, who grew up in America, who loves the Lord as much as she does will be very difficult. Perhaps I may never find anyone else, then I will have to go on with my life. The only positive thing I can think of right now, is that whatever the will of God is for her--she will follow it. Of that I am certain, so I do not see one of us being a "jilted" lover. Well only time will tell. Will this blog continue? No one reads it, but will it continue?.....