My mom

Mom always gets upset at people and never tells them directly what is wrong. She will say how "people" don't care. We never know who she is talking about. Well today I think it was me. They are thinking about retiring to Florida. I told them that none of their friends are there, and they said that they don't have many friends anyhow. They don't. Today she was comparing her sons (which includes me) to her daughter's husbands. She was telling how wonderfully they treat their mothers. It didn't hit me til later. Then it really hurt. But I am supposed to turn the other cheek. I did it by not saying anything back--I rarely do.

Things are like this with my parents because they have isolated themselves from all their friends and haven't kept relationships. I don't know why this has happened. It is sad. I have that same tendency and am trying to change that. In my case, I realize friendships keep me in check. It is the friends that encourage us and gently chide us and steer us back on course when we stray. My best friend is my girl, and she is so special to me. I just hope my parents can regain the relationships they have lost and see the beauty of life. Sometimes I think my family is disfunctional. But that is not true--not when you see all the suffering in the world. Our family is ok, we just have problems. But all of our problems could be overcome over one meal or in one conversation. At least there is no abuse or things like that...I thank God for that.

Interview with Billy Graham

Billy Graham is coming to New York this week. The New York Times had an interview with him(here). About current events, his comment was,

"I'm just going to preach the gospel and am not going to get off on all
these hot-button issues," he said when politics was broached again later. "If I
get on these other subjects, it divides the audience on an issue that is not the
issue I'm promoting. I'm just promoting the gospel. And after they come to
Christ, they hopefully come to a church where they will learn more about their
responsibility in society."

Isn't it amazing how one person's single-minded devotion to winning souls for Christ can impact millions of people? Another thought is, who led Billy Graham to Christ? It was Mordecai Ham. Who would have thought that a simple preacher in the USA would have such an impact. It is amazing how God can use people who are obedient.
Despite this, Billy Graham has some critics:

Leading the charge against Graham was none other than Reinhold Niebuhr, the venerable professor at Union Theological Seminary in New York City. In an article for Life magazine, Niebuhr vigorously denounced Graham for presenting Jesus as the all-sufficient answer for man's ills. "Perhaps because these solutions are rather too simple in any age, but particularly so in a nuclear one with its great moral perplexities, such a message is not very convincing to anyone—Christian or not—who is aware of the continuing possibilities of good and evil in every advance of civilization, every discipline of culture, and every religious convention," Niebuhr wrote. "Graham offers Christian evangelism even less complicated answers than it has ever before provided."

Despite repeated requests by Graham, Niebuhr refused to meet with him. So Graham simply complimented Niebuhr and explained away their differences. "I have read nearly everything Mr. Niebuhr has written and I feel inadequate before his brilliant mind and learning," Graham told reporters. "Occasionally I get a glimmer of what he is talking about. . . . If I tried to preach as he writes, people would be so bewildered they would walk out." (Chrisitianity Today)

I think this is a model way for us to respond to criticism. A final quote from Billy Graham:

"When God gets ready to shake America, he may not take the Ph.D. and the D.D. God may choose a country boy … and I pray that he would!" (Christianity Today)

Predictions

At the end of the Sunday morning service, a young man came up to me. He said that when I was walking back from giving my offering, he noticed me and the Lord gave this young man a prophetic word for me.

He gave these two verses: Isaiah 60:1-4 and Isaiah 62:7.

He said that "it will get worse," emphasized the word darkness and that in the second verse I was to substitute "India" or some other place for the word Jerusalem. He said that I would be there to show the light to those people. He also compared my friend that I was with, to Jonothan and me to David. He compared our relationship to those two in the Bible and their friendship together. He said our friendship would help me in my goals and give each other strength for the trails to come ahead. He was specific that in knowing my friend, I would be helped in my mission to reach people.

Pretty amazing stuff. I am a cynic, though. At the same time, I would not want to discredit a true prophet. Or worse yet, miss something that God has for me. So I think the best thing is to pray over it, not let it rule my life--not letting this influence my behavior, so that it can come to pass without me making it happen.

The phrase test the spirits came to mind. I looked it up.
1 John 4:1-3

Then I read this verse:
1 Thessalonians 5:19-21
So I should listen carefully to these words.

On the other hand, my girlfriend's mentor keeps telling her that I am not the one for her. That she needs to have a more spiritual man as her husband. The mentor even told my parents things that have been instrumental in changing their minds. But most importantly, the mentor's words have caused my girlfriend to doubt the whole relationship. She vascillates between the love in her heart for me and that some people are telling her this is not God's plan for her life. But the people I have counseled with have not given any hint that I am going down the wrong path.

So when do prophecies and predictions become fulfilled? Do they happen because we believe them? Is her mentor right or wrong? How can all this be? Who do we listen to? Our hearts? Or have our emotions taken over?

Round One is Done

Today I had my last Remicade treatment. Six weeks and three infusions. They give it intravenously so I had to go to the hospital for each of the three infusions. After the next doctor's visit, we will have to see how long I will have to be on this. Probably for some time. So I will get a couple of months off, and then have to start it again. I feel fine, though after the first infusion I was really wiped out.

My baby is really being supportive and loving. I just wish we could be together, especially now that it is summer. I love her so much.

Being Indian can be tough when you grow up in the US. Here the parents consider their children as friends, in India you are supposed to respect your parents and ancestors. You would never view them as equals. I remember seeing Indians actually stand up to show respect when their father walked into the room. People would ask what is your father. Not what he does, but what he is. It all goes back to that caste system, where you have earned you are over many lifetimes of reincarnations. So Indian children don't have close relationships with their fathers. With the mothers, although respect is still there, they have close relationships. So my dad and I barely talk. He just wants the essentials, like how studies are and what I am going to do with my life. Even though my parents have been in the US for 30 years, they are still conservative. Some Indian parents do become a bit more liberal--but not my parents...

Looking back

Last year at this time I was in India and she was on her way there. According to our plans we would have been married by now. I should have been done with my exams, but how things change. My parents turned around, I failed my exam, got sick...for the most part everything has been bad.

And nothing has been as we thought it would. Last year at this time, my parents said that we could get married, and we were worried about her parents accepting me. The roles reversed completely. Here is the entry from about one year ago, my thoughts (June 8, 2004).

I haven't held on to anything too tightly (well eventually, I was willing to let go!). But I have learned to let go...and to be willing to let go...

You know what's weird? I don't remember a lot of the emotions I felt last year. I remember our time together in India, because it became such a controversy and we ran it over and over in our minds. But I don't remember the pain and depression and the happiness. I guess we remember what we recall...I'm gonna start recalling the good things!

Typical Sunday Morning

The reason I like my church is that the people come from all walks of life. There are whites, blacks, asians, sick people, weird people (I'm in this category) and all kinds of people. You don't have to come in and say, "Am I the only one that has (fill in the blank)?" You aren't, whatever you are suffering from, or whatever that is bothering you, someone has been there and is conquering that. And by standing strong, you can help the others who are facing what you have conquered.

When I walked in to church today, the place was packed. There was nowhere to sit. I ended up sitting on the side--out of my comfort zone. Today in church a Christian Rapper came in named BBJ (I think that was his name). He was really powerful and I could see how effective he would be in reaching out to the youth of today. After he sat down, a young man was introduced by the pastor. This young man started of his story by saying he was born in a mental hospital. Both his parents were diagnosed schizophrenics. Their diseases were so bad that they were both institutionalized. Medically, that should only happen if the person has the potential to harm him or herself or others. These people were sick. The parents, one black and one white, met in the mental hospital. They had a child there. This child was now standing on the podium talking to us. He told us that they were planning to abort him. They wanted to end his life, because schizophrenia is hereditary, the likelihood increases especially if both parents have the disease. (Also, I can imagine that many of the drugs being taken would be harmful to the fetus). Fast forward to the young boy in college, he had grown up with his grandmother's care, and in the Lord. He was sitting in a college cafeteria when all of sudden...he started having thoughts of paranoia and bombs going off, and all kinds of ideas common to schizophrenics. He had to battle, spiritually, and had lots of prayer and God has healed him. He stopped having all the attacks. Here was a young man, with all kinds of strikes against him--mixed race, genetic illness, no one wanted him--they wanted to abort him! Yet, here he was, full of Jesus, a living walking testimony of what Christ can do in a person's life. If he had committed suicide, got involved with drugs, or whatever, no one would have blamed him. But God turned his life around. You may not believe in God, but you don't have to believe like he had to.

I can't believe I complain about the "major" things in my life. My life is a bed of roses. Thank you Jesus for that! It really is, my life is great, wonderful, I have it way too good!

There was an annointing of the Holy Spirit in the church and on the people. I still feel it right now. And I am one of those skeptics....:-)

It was not a typical Sunday morning.

Being a Witness

First of all, things are going so good between my fiance/girlfriend. We haven't seen each other in a couple of months or so. We do talk occasionally on the phone. We love each other and feel that we are the ones for each other. Of course, relationships are hard work, but I feel really good about each other. We are so tuned to each others problems and respect each others feelings. I really can't imagine us ever having marital problems. No one ever does. But it happens. I think as long as we commit our relationship to the Lord and also understanding that relationships involve compromise and hard work--I know we will succeed and be together for a long time...

Yesterday the Satellite TV people came to install a Tivo. It is really amazing, of course, the only reason we got it is because they offered it to us for no additional charge if we signed up for an additional one year committment. That is worth it. I wanted to be a witness, so as soon as they came in I offered them something to drink and was as nice as I could be. Then after the installation, he was saying how they make money on the pay-per-view. And that is where the profit comes from. In fact, many hotels are places where people watch pay-per-view channels which they wouldn't watch at home. This is a whole other topic, which I will talk about some other time. So I told the installer that we don't watch that because we are Christians. I had a chance to give him a small tip, and gave him some ice for his cooler, and told him what Church I go to and welcomed him to come along sometime. It felt good to show the love of Christ to someone. In the past, I would think that by showing love it would leave us open to being taken advantage of. But I am realizing that love can change people. I can honestly say that they left in a different state (better) than when they arrived.

Man of God

The prophet Nathan didn't confront David after his sins, he told a simple story. Nathan told a tale of a poor man who loved his only sheep, which was taken away from him by a rich man. The story of lost love unjustly taken away. So full of tragedy that even a king could relate to a shepherd. This is how a man of God should be, someone who doesn't condemn and doesn't blame, but allows a person's conscience to convict. This story gets a reaction out of David: anger. And then later on, after David confesses for adultery with Bathsheba and killing her husband, he pays the price. The child dies.

But God is a forgiving God, and out of this mess, he allows restoration. Eventually Solomon is born and blessings occur after seeking forgiveness, and getting things right with God. It just shows that if a murderer and an adulterer can be forgiven and then blessed, then we have hope!

Russell Crowe

Rusell Crowe was staying at the Mercer Hotel in New York City. He was upset that his phone wasn't working and he threw it at an employee. He was arrested and will have to go court to settle the charges. So...why did he do it? Here's what he said:

He blamed his state of mind on "the combination of jet lag, loneliness and adrenalin", having just returned to the US after a flying visit to London for the Kostya Tszyu fight, without wife Danielle.

"I'm at the bottom of a well. I can't communicate how dark my life is right now," Crowe said.

Here is a picture of Russell and his wife Danielle. And at their wedding. He also has a new movie out. On the surface, he has it all--a wealthy movie star, with a beautiful wife. But his actions reflected what was going on inside. It was pretty late at night when his phone wasn't working. Didn't he have a cell phone? I wonder if he was having a fight with his wife.

He said his life was dark! But now? I could imagine at the end of life, or when he was no longer famous. Then I could see how things could be dark. Or even if he was in the middle of filming a movie, and completely absorbed in a role. Or I could see him in a movie playing a depressed person, with those words coming out of his mouth, saying he was at the bottom of a well. But now? He has been married for two years and is now a father. These are things we all dream of--being a parent, having a secure job, providing for the loved ones in our life. Why isn't he happier?

The secret to happiness is being content with what you have. Even if you strive to be better, if it is for the purposes of fulfilling greed, you will be empty inside. Doing charitable things offers some degree of satisfaction, but it is amazing at how people do so much and gain so much and then are left empty. Something is missing and people look all over for it but they never find it.

Of course, Russell Crowe is an actor, so this could all be a publicity stunt that went out of hand. Or a ploy to make people notice him more--bad publicity for a movie star could be good. In any case, I didn't like Gladiator that much, and I am not planning to see his latest movie. But I think he is an excellent role model--if you are looking for happiness and contentment, look elsewhere.

the way we were (part two)

This is part two. ( Here is part one)

So there we were at this restaurant at the outskirts of town, with an unwelcome guest in our midst. My friends and I were sitting there, trying to relax and enjoy an evening together. And this insensitive drunk named Karthik was sitting at our table, ignoring the friends he came with, and was actually dumping his cigarette ashes on our table! I was irritated.

From the conversation, Karthik didn't mention anything about professors or classmates that we would know. So since my friends and I were in the medical school together, I guessed that Karthik was a dentist. Doctors in India are of pretty high prestige, and people who don't get into medical school try to get into dentistry or pharmacy. In high school you would take a general career path towards either science or math. So if you tried math, you would become an engineer, there were plenty of positions in engineering colleges, and if you didn't get in, you could do a two-year degree and find work somehow. But medicine was different. First of all getting in was tough. Once you got in and struggled through the courses and passed, to get into a specialty was even tougher. People would spend years trying the entrance exams, hoping. If you didn't suceed in them, you would be faced with the prospect of being a general practitioner with the thousands of other doctors, who didn't get into a specialty. And to make matters worse, the intense competition in the metropolitan areas would force you to the rural areas, or even worse a village. I am getting away from my story. Sorry, but I have all these memories of India and it is really nice to remember things there.

So at this point, I asked Karthik if he was a doctor. I asked in great anticipation, something like, "Oh! So your a doctor?!?!" And he replied that he was a dentist. So I sunk down in my chair, looked towards the ground and quietly said, "oooohhh." Right away this upstart kid, quieted down, and I knew I had struck a nerve. Now I am always honest in this blog, I hope you will agree (at least by my style, you should be able to tell). So I am rarely cocky or arrogant (I have had too many struggles in life to get too high on myself--everytime I do I come crashing down for some reason or the other). But my main concern was to shut up this guy, even though now I know better.

So from that point on Karthik was leaving our table, muttering something in the local language to his friends and gesturing in our direction. Then he would return to our table. Then leave. He started spitting on the floor and became very agitated. He actually came at me and told my friends that he just wanted to talk to me. My friends who were pretty big, got in the way and kept him away. I must say Karthik would have really beaten me up pretty good--if he did get at me. People started complaining to the waiters, but they wouldn't do anything. Finally, still agitated we left (I am not sure who left first, Karthik and his friends or us).

We went home and laughed a bit, and came back to my apartment. on the third/fourth floor. It was late, really late and I had this whiffle ball and bat, and we played baseball in my apartment (the ball and bat were made of plastic). Then from downstairs, we heard a police whistle. We peeked out and saw a policeman waving. We thought we were making too much noise, so we turned out the lights and sat in the dark watching the policeman in the streetlight. Eventually the policeman came into the apartment complex, so he was obscured from our sight.

We heard the policeman talking to people on the ground floor and heard voices speaking. We couldn't hear what they were saying, though. Then we heard footsteps coming up the stairs to our door. There was a knock on the door. Not a bang, but a knock. We heard the familiar voice of the caretaker of the apartments, Basanna. He was an older man who was probably five foot tall and ninety pounds, he was thin from hard work and not enough food. Basanna knocked and yelled out my name,"...." (Whoops, I almost typed my name here!). Well lets say my name is..Joe, for the purpose of the story. "Joe, Sahib!" (Sahib is sir). We didn't answer. He kept knocking and kept saying, "Joe Sahib!" My friends, finally told me to go into the bedroom. I did and could hear everything from the room. They opened the door, and Basanna was talking in Hindi that someone was asking for Joe downstairs. Finally my friends told me that we had not done anything wrong, so lets go downstairs. I agreed (my language skills leave lots to be desired, so I had to trust them). As we all went down the stairway, I think there were four of us, one of my friends said, "If they ask who you are, just say you aren't Joe!" I thought ok, I will. I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that there was a policeman, and he thought it was necessary to wake up people at 2 in the morning.

We got downstairs and I saw a tenant who lived downstairs. Before I could say a word, someone came up to me, and said, "Tell them you know me, tell them that I was coming to visit you." I was taken aback, as I looked at this person, I realized it was Karthik's friend who was with him at the restaurant. I was in shock, my mind couldn't think. What was he doing here and why was he asking me to acknowledge him?

Slowly things started becoming clear. Someone was damaging the cars in the parking area of the apartment. They damaged my friends car, and then they damaged someone else's car. Except that person was in the area and he caught the vandals. He knew who they were and called the police. The vandals only knew me (by name, hearing Karthik say my name over and over) and lied saying that they were not doing anything to the cars but came to visit me.

The police constable meanwhile had called the police station and the police jeep arrived. They detained the vandal (I never knew his name, though he knew mine) and the vandal kept saying he came to see "Joe." But we all denied that we even knew a "Joe" (once you lie, you are in that lie! Then the officer in charge started yelling out my name, hoping that "Joe" would come out and he could straighten things out. So here I am hearing my name being yelled out at 3 in the morning, with a police jeep and officers looking for me. Not good. So one of my friends said, tell them who you really are. The rest happened in a blur, once the head officer found out that I was the person that they were looking for and that I lied...he was furious. He had his nightstick, the Indian version, about three feet long and made of bamboo.

He started yelling and twirling the bamboo rod and raised it to hit me. I cringed and turned my back. I was so scared. So much for bravado and bravery, I guess that was who I really was. A liar and a coward. The officer was all noise and no action. He said that we should come and meet him in the morning. They took the vandal away, and left us standing there.

We went upstairs, after some people tried to blame me, saying all of this was my fault. Some of the people in the apartment who were awake, were peering out their windows at us. We just went back to my apartment and sat there.

The next day, we woke up and went to the police station. The Inspector acted as a mediator, let everyone go, told the vandals to repair the car. The inspector blamed us both, saying that fights don't start with just one party...it takes two to tango. We were so upset, thinking that it was Karthik's fault--he was the instigator. Yet now I see how wrong I was. If only I kept my mouth shut. Thank God that he wasn't the wrong person, or thank God he didn't know the right person--someone that would have found me and beaten me up (or worse). What was I thinking? I wasn't, there I was an American citizen, in another country with just a few people to back me up. God was watching over me, time and time again, he saves us from disaster. Other countries are just not as safe as the US. So many times people die...we are safer here in the US than anywhere else.

Oh yeah, in the morning before going to the police station, we went to the restaurant to get the waiters as witnesses. They would say the truth about how out-of-control Karthik was. They didn't. They valued their business more than the truth. They wanted to be as uninvolved as possible. They said nothing happened and that they didn't see anything.

the way we were

A friend of mine called this evening. He studied with me when I was overseas in med school. We were in India, in a place that was really remote, more than a hundred miles from the nearest major city. The place we were in was very "backward" as the Indians used to call it. They couldn't have anticipated how right they were. I still scratch my head at the customs and other things they have there. For example, the first floor of a building was known as the ground floor. No problem there, but one floor up was called the first floor. So a five story building would have a ground floor and the top story would be the fourth floor. I don't remember learning the Hindi word for zero, so perhaps it was an Indian thing, the starting point at the building was "zero." I can't think of any other explanation. If you can, let me know. :-)

Here is a picture of the "ground floor" of a mosque in the city I studied in (the mosque had only one floor). This mosque was built more than 100 years before Columbus saw the New World. My friend and I were reminiscing about our times there. We had lots of rough times dealing with the studies, the food, sickness and every now and then we had incidents that were more than just adventure. Now we can laugh, but then at the time--we were scared. One friend of mine was actually kidnapped (by strangers). One night, an intoxicated friend tried to start a bus and back it out of the bus station. Problem was that it was filled with people who were about to go on a trip. They charged the wannabe bus driver as a naxalite (Indian term for terrorist) and arrested him!

One evening my friends and I decided to head to the outskirts of town to a new restaurant. There were four of us there, all Indians from America, and we were eating and having a good time when an acquaintance came by to say hello. This person, Karthik, was known to all except me. Karthik was obnoxious and right away I didn't like him. He was smoking a cigarette--well at least he was holding it. He was using our table as an ashtray. Of course, Americans in India were considered to be elite. I mean everyone in India (and everywhere else in the world) wants to come to the US. And since we were in this desolate place, their feelings towards Indians who had settled in America, were somewere between fascination and admiration. So here was this drunk Indian guy, trying to show that he was sophisticated far more than the local indigenous people.

Whenever we were together, my American friends and I would talk about home. The US of A, all about basketball, the magical moments of our lives, the food we used to eat. Everything from the US seemed grander when we were deprived of them. So if any Indians were with us, understandably they used to feel left out, and I am guessing that Karthik, the unwanted guest felt that way. So he started to tell us about his brother, who was a doctor in America. And how his brother was an important person, and how Karthik knew this person and that person. How in his University, he was so important and well-known. I had never heard about him, or met him, so I was wondering if he was studying engineering, and not a doctor as we were.

India is a status-conscious country. Due to their Hindu beliefs in karma, you have earned your position in life because in a previous life you did good. If you didn't do good, you would end up as a street sweeper or in some other lowly position. So the best way to improve your karma or fate in life would be to slog through your entire life for decades, doing the right things, serving those above you. And if you were lucky (you would have to believe in luck) you would end up one hundred years from now as the head street sweeper. And over the generations you would slowly climb your way up the ladder. But...what if you screwed up? What if you didn't feel like sweeping the streets for your whole life for one dollar a day (due to inflation, the wages today are probably closer to three dollars a day)? What if you wanted to just sit around, and watch Hindi movies? Well, then you would get demoted in the next life. Probably become a dog. Now dogs in India are not treated like American dogs. They are abused and kicked and spit at...etc. Or maye they would become a leper, or whatever. One way to escape this infinite cycle of karma is to get promoted by hard work or something else. So education was the way out. If you got into medical school and became a doctor, you would automatically improve your karma. Much easier than waiting for a few generations. And in modern day India, karma is being replaced by the economic reality of the world today. Of course, a growing number of people in India are realizing there is yet one more way to escape karma and that is through Jesus Christ. Is it any wonder, that in Christ they find hope? They even find forgiveness, a concept which is antithetical to Hindu karma.

Well it is getting late, so I will continue my story about Karthik in the next post.