The eve of the Crusade

It has been a very eventful week. I went to the villages with her,
and came back to Hyderabad. Now the Crusade is starting on Friday,
and I am not sure when I will be able to go. The things I am doing
here in Hyderabad are at a standstill, so I will probably be able to
go for the weekend to Bangalore. Things are going very good between
us, I have been able to be in close contact with her this whole time
we are in India together. She will most likely postpone her ticket,
so we will be able to meet in Bangalore and spend more time together.
She is so sweet and so loving, I am so happy to have her in my life.
The next few days are crucial for me. The results of my exam MAY
come, if they do, i just hope i pass. I also hope that the work I
have here in Hyderabad gets done soon as well. And finally, if my mom
comes to India, I hope she and her sisters will accept my choice as a
wife. I can't wait for this all to happen, these times are so crucial
for us both. It is truly a pivotal time in our relationship. We are
praying and I trust God will work things out in His time and in His
way.

Meanwhile, some of my siblings in-laws are wanting to get in touch
with me and to meet me. This will be very interesting, i have to face
them and they will ask all kinds of questions and I will have to be
very diplomatic. I will do a good job, I am sure, but still it is a
tough thing, especially when added on to everything else.

Today I spoke to her and I told her about all the things I Was going
through. She said she loves me no matter what, no matter if I pass my
exam or not. And she said she will support my family and I. I was so
happy to hear this, and was so touched. With all the stress I Am
going through (and it won't let down in the future either!), it is
wonderful to know I will have a soul-partner, a lifelong friend, to
lean on, and to understand me.

We meet in India

I was unable to meet her at the airport when she arrived. Indian
tradition is that you should be present at the start/end of long
journeys and at other important times. But I couldn't make it. But I
had a chance to meet her in a village. She was on a missions trip and
we managed to meet her. I brought my friend Subhash. And we were
with the missions team, four Indian pastors, two American Pastors, an
American Nurse, she and Subash and I. There were others, but that is
most of the people. We went to several villages, and were able to
visit, preach, play music, minister through dance and song. We also
were able to dispense basic medicine and help a few people who were
ill. IT was an amazing time. I saw a woman with a demon, and they
cast out the demon in the name of Jesus. I would not believe it, but
I saw it. I saw it happen. I just can't imagine it being fake, it was
real. I am a cynic, and I believe! Anyhow, the time was just too
short. She will leave in a few days, I hope to get to see her in a
few days before she leaves...

I love him so much. I wish i expressed it sooner... but now.. it might be too late. Perhaps I shouldn't have... but i read an email his dad sent him that said that they wanted him to meet some girl... a doctor in Hydrabod.. the same state that he is from. Maybe this entire time i was just fooling myself. Maybe the love that we shared just wasn't meant for me... because things like that just don't happen to me. I guess we've just come so close.. and now i feel like everything is just crashing down before me... and all my dreams are becoming shattered. i love him so much. i wish he knew that. i wish he could know how much i feel for him... how much he means to me... how much i long for him. he is the only soul mate i have ever known.. he is the only one that has loved me... truly loved me... with such selflessness and purity. i have never known love like his love.. and now it looks like it might have to be taken away from us. i am here in London, once with so many hopes, so many dreams.. yet i knew that it was too good to be true. i wish it didn't have to be this way. i wish the drama of our worlds didn't have to meet like this. but they have. and now... his parents want him to marry someone else. what can i do? i once had it all... i once knew David's love... and it's all i ever needed. but now... i just don't know if things look as certain anymore. his love once sheltered my heart... now is it going to be taken away from me? his love gave me strength, he nourished me, cared for me like no other. he was family to me. the only family i have ever had. what can i do? my hope and trust is in God. Jesus loves me, even if no human ever will. He loves me and will take care of me.. even if i never get married. and you know what? if David marries someone else.. i just do'nt think i ever will. how could i? nobody will ever love me the way that he does... or make me feel the way he does. His love is true... and it is the only true love i've ever known... and ever will.

We will meet again on Thursday

I am now in India and she will be here in a matter of days. I can't
wait, I just hope I will be able to be there at the airport to greet
her and welcome her when she comes. Her parents are not at all happy
about her coming to India as a missionary. Her dad called her and
asked to speak to me. So I called him from India. He was surprised.
HE then asked me what I thought about his daughter going to India as a
missonary. I evaded the question, but said it would be good for her.
I tried to be diplomatic as possible, but he raised his voice a few
times, though not at me, but at Christians in general, including
President Bush! It was too bad that I had to talk to him under those
circumstances, I have no idea what his impression of me was. But
initially he referred to me as a future in-law, then later as "her
friend." I don't know if he was backtracking but, at least he knows
what is going on. Despite all this, she is ecstatic about the trip.
They are staying in London for a couple of days, which I am not too
happy about. I can't stand the thought of her having fun without me.
I guess I want to discover and do things with her beside me. I am
sure she will think of me and remember me and it is not THAT big a
deal, but I do miss her. I hope I can spend some time with her when
she is here in India. Although I don't know what her schedule is and
I am sure it will be full and crammed with activities. I hope she can
fit me in now and then.

Passion and Purity

She gave me this book to read by Elizabeth Elliott, whose husband was
a martyr for Christ. While reading the book it was so nice to see her
comments in the margins. Normally that irritates me, but in this
case, it touched me. I could see her comments reflected our
relationship. You poor thing, you just are looking for love. That is
all she wants, not money or material things, but just someone to love
her.
"There is no purity in any of us apart from the blood of Jesus." (15)

This brought tears to my eyes, Only in Jesus can we be made whole and
complete and new again. Only in Jesus do we want to. There were
numerous other things in the book. Overall it is about the
relationship of two young missionaries. They were in their early
twenties when they met. The things she is asking the reader is to put
all things on the altar. Don't hesitate to give up anything for
Christ. Whatever we hold dear he will ask us to give it up for him,
and like the seed which has to die to yield life, the same has to
happen to us. "We die in order to live." (73)

I don't know what God has in store for us. I know that He may make us
wait. I can accept that, I am also praying and feel that at the end
of this month He will confirm and reaffirm things. If things go
smoothly, I should pass my exam, the trip to India should be
successful for both of us, and we should know her call a little
better. My parents should also approve as well as her pastor-- and
the pastor has given his approval. That right there is a miracle. So
these should be all confirmations. If these things don't happen, we
should pause and reevaluate. To know God's will and timing for the
marriage there should be confirmation from all around us and there
should be a sense of deepening peace. These things are happening
already. Back to Passion and Purity, everything is on the table, yet
I feel we are in an OK situation because God is leading us to marry
soon--within the next year most likely. I really feel that. So I
feel that all the things in this book apply to us, but at the same
time we are not in their situation. So rather than follow things
blindly, we should evaluate whether they are appropriate for us. Yet
we shouldn't hold on to anything to tightly. I did read the whole
book, and at times the book felt disjointed, and not very smooth, but
the principles were very real and appropriate.

I just wrote an entry in the "kyrie elyson" blog. it was pretty depressing, but i must say a huge reason i feel that way is because I picture my life, married to him, as gloomy and depressing-- not because he isn't wonderful but because his mom was so mean to me... i was at his house last weekend visiting his parents and the warm, loving, accepting parents i've dreamed of since i've gotten saved just weren't there. instead there were questions, criticisms, almost a temptation to call the whole thing off yet the only thing that stopped them was his apparent happiness-- and God's will.

yet it hurts, it hurst more than i can express... i just do'nt think i have it in me.. i just do'nt have the love to give his mom the way he tells me to. i've been hurt too much... i've been abused so much and i just want to cuddle up in a mother's arms and have her love and heal me and tell me everything is going to be alright-- not have to be the strong one and love her instead when she doesn't return it!! i just want to be mothered.. i just want to be a baby in a mother's arms... i never had that and it's all i want-- yet instead i have to be the more mature one-- yet again-- and show her love when she doesn't show it back. how much more will i have to do that? i am tired, i am so weary, and all i want is to be real... is to be ME.. the broken me that i am and have people accept and love me and want to help heal me for what i am and what i'v'e been through. yet.. he can't even tell them what i've been through because it might alarm them and make them think that because of what i've been through.. i might become a bad wife and mother to my kids-- and i really thought God was going to cover all that with my parent's-in-law because He is supposed to give grace-- yet this seems like the law to me. that's why i am so hurt.. why i feel all my dreams to crashing like dust... why i feel that my future will be bleak and gloomy and nothing i've ever hoped or wished for will come true. when will anybody ever love and accept me just for who i am? and everything that comes with me? not expect me to be a certain way, or have to hide things because others may not accept it. i thought God's kingdom was accepting, loving, "come as you are." yet, this is anything but, and the welcome i thought i would be in God's family because of the Spirit that He has put in me is just not there. instead it is overlooked... even an obstacle-- because of that Spirit they don't want me to marry their son because they think it will hinder me from being a "good wife" to him. so what do i do? just keep crying? get out? i can't.. this is supposed to be from God. so is this the best He can do?? i've dreamed, i've hoped... i've even prayed... yet this is what happnes??? i do'nt know, this is just a severe teset of faith-- that i just do'nt know if i will get through. i hope i pass... but at this point i don't even know if i want to anymore.

this is a cry for help.. it is a plea for something to change... for someone to understand.. for the Lord to please hear me, to please wipe these tears away and make things better. Please God, don't You love me?? didn't You save me?? then why is all this happening? why do i pray, when this is what i get in return? i thought You were a God of Love, of faith, of hope and of wiping away the past? why did this happen then with the one i thought You gave me to marry?? it was my most precious dream, it was everything i wanted and more... yet instead of all my dreams coming true i just feel them slowly starting to fade... and making me doubt and discourage me from ever hoping for so much ever again. my dreams used to make me feel alive... the outcome of this one is causing my spirit to slowly die...