I just wrote an entry in the "kyrie elyson" blog. it was pretty depressing, but i must say a huge reason i feel that way is because I picture my life, married to him, as gloomy and depressing-- not because he isn't wonderful but because his mom was so mean to me... i was at his house last weekend visiting his parents and the warm, loving, accepting parents i've dreamed of since i've gotten saved just weren't there. instead there were questions, criticisms, almost a temptation to call the whole thing off yet the only thing that stopped them was his apparent happiness-- and God's will.

yet it hurts, it hurst more than i can express... i just do'nt think i have it in me.. i just do'nt have the love to give his mom the way he tells me to. i've been hurt too much... i've been abused so much and i just want to cuddle up in a mother's arms and have her love and heal me and tell me everything is going to be alright-- not have to be the strong one and love her instead when she doesn't return it!! i just want to be mothered.. i just want to be a baby in a mother's arms... i never had that and it's all i want-- yet instead i have to be the more mature one-- yet again-- and show her love when she doesn't show it back. how much more will i have to do that? i am tired, i am so weary, and all i want is to be real... is to be ME.. the broken me that i am and have people accept and love me and want to help heal me for what i am and what i'v'e been through. yet.. he can't even tell them what i've been through because it might alarm them and make them think that because of what i've been through.. i might become a bad wife and mother to my kids-- and i really thought God was going to cover all that with my parent's-in-law because He is supposed to give grace-- yet this seems like the law to me. that's why i am so hurt.. why i feel all my dreams to crashing like dust... why i feel that my future will be bleak and gloomy and nothing i've ever hoped or wished for will come true. when will anybody ever love and accept me just for who i am? and everything that comes with me? not expect me to be a certain way, or have to hide things because others may not accept it. i thought God's kingdom was accepting, loving, "come as you are." yet, this is anything but, and the welcome i thought i would be in God's family because of the Spirit that He has put in me is just not there. instead it is overlooked... even an obstacle-- because of that Spirit they don't want me to marry their son because they think it will hinder me from being a "good wife" to him. so what do i do? just keep crying? get out? i can't.. this is supposed to be from God. so is this the best He can do?? i've dreamed, i've hoped... i've even prayed... yet this is what happnes??? i do'nt know, this is just a severe teset of faith-- that i just do'nt know if i will get through. i hope i pass... but at this point i don't even know if i want to anymore.

this is a cry for help.. it is a plea for something to change... for someone to understand.. for the Lord to please hear me, to please wipe these tears away and make things better. Please God, don't You love me?? didn't You save me?? then why is all this happening? why do i pray, when this is what i get in return? i thought You were a God of Love, of faith, of hope and of wiping away the past? why did this happen then with the one i thought You gave me to marry?? it was my most precious dream, it was everything i wanted and more... yet instead of all my dreams coming true i just feel them slowly starting to fade... and making me doubt and discourage me from ever hoping for so much ever again. my dreams used to make me feel alive... the outcome of this one is causing my spirit to slowly die...