She Remembers...

Today I had a wonderful talk with her. I was at the library, and she was supposed to call me and she did. I love the sense of urgency in her voice when she calls. Almost, breathless with anticipation, when she says hello and when she realizes it is me, she seems relieved. Maybe that is my imagination, but I felt that today. We spoke about so many things, but today the things which had the potential to lead towards arguments, were calmly accepted by both of us. The love that is between us simply won't let us fight or argue. I have been through a lot this past week. I have faced a lot of hurt, and she has been there for me. What a feeling of confidence that someone cares and is there for me. Before she used to always say, "Go to God, don't come to me!" That used to really frustrate me. Well, no more. She realizes that yes, we do need to go to God. But God gives us people in our lives to depend on. And I hope that I get a chance to show her that I can be there for her.

I love this woman.

The other thing is in the conversation, she mentioned that my birthday was coming up. I was just so happy she remembered. It brought tears to my eyes. I thought she might forget. But the fact that she does remember really touched me. It is the small things, the small actions, that truly show love, care and concern. At times, we also need to speak our minds and say how much we care, yes. But actions, cement that love. For me, today showed me what a wonderful wife I will have. I can't wait. I have changed. Her love has changed me. Her tender touch. Her care and concern. The lengths she will go for me.

I do know I am loved.

Deuteronomy Chapters 1 and 2

Deut 1:19 "Then we set out from Horeb, and went through all that
great and terrible wilderness which you saw on the way to the hill
country of the Amorites, just as the LORD our God had commanded us;
and we came to Kadesh-barnea."

I googled some of this and found out that Horeb is actually Mount
Horeb or Mount Sinai. And Kadesh-barnea means consecrated or holy.
God gave Moses the ten commandments on Mount Sinai, but it got to a
point where he wanted the people to leave and go to a holy and
consecrated place--Mount Sinai. Sounds good doesn't it?

Earlier in the chapter (verse 2), it just says that it is eleven days
journey from Horeb to Kadesh-barnea. Now, in verse 19, it says that
in those eleven days, you had to go through a "terrible wilderness."
Obviously going through that wilderness involved faith and obedience,
and it was absolutely necessary in order to be holy and consecrated
and to reach Kadesh-Barnea.

As we see in verse 2, the route to Kadesh-Barnea, was through Mount
Seir, which in the book of Ezekiel was cursed. This was also the land
which belonged to Esau and his descendants.

"...Behold, O Mount Seir, I am against you;
I will stretch out My hand against you,
And make you most desolate;
4I shall lay your cities waste,
And you shall be desolate.
Then you shall know that I am the LORD."
Ezekiel 35: 3,4

I guess what I got out of this passage is that to go where God wants
us to go and to be holy and consecrated, will involve difficulties and
trials. In the midst of our trials, we may go through a Mount Seir in
our lives. We may feel cursed. May we have to grace to be confident
that at those difficult times, we are exactly where God wants us.

I love you

My darling,

I just love you so much today. I wish I could be near you, seeing
your sparkling smile. I miss that loving gaze that you give me. Even
when you are upset and I see the tears in your eyes and your eyebrows
drawn down, I know it is temporary. Because you always end up loving
me and caring more about me than your problems. You have shown me
what love is, not a crazy emotional high (although that is there quite
often with us!), but a strong firm commitment, and and a love that
reflects Christ's love for us.

Thank you,

Me

It's Official

No, not what you think. But I went to visit her on Sunday. A very spontaneous trip. I left at 7pm and got there at 10pm. I got lost. When we met we just hugged and held each other. She had left the door open so I walked in and surprised her. That was nice. I wanted to scare her, but I didn't. :-) We just held each other and didn't have to say a word. It was a comfortable silence. I brought my guitar and we sang a few songs, but we just ended up cuddling on the couch. There was a little bit of temptation, but that died down. I really was in control, kind of. But I wasn't going to do anything. Then we just held each other and talked. I listened to her fears and her worries. She is going through a phase in her life where she is leaving part of her life behind and moving on to a new place. I went through the same when I went to India. But strangely it didn't affect me much. I guess it was a matter of survival for me, I couldn't go back. I was stuck in India and that was it. For her it is a gradual change, a transition. And that is difficult. We sat and talked. And then my mom started calling. The phone was ringing and after *69-ing, we figured out it was my mom. It was already 12:45pm.

I left in a hurry and got home by 3:30pm. My mom was waiting, she was upset and asked where I was. I didn't answer. Since then not one word about my late night. Very strange, I wonder what is going on in their minds.

In any case, we now share a love that is pure and true and amazing. I never realized love like this was possible. Perhaps it is part emotional. But just to have someone love you like this, and know it and to love a person in the same way...that is so satisfying. We are putting each other ahead of ourselves. I am calmer and more confident, and I think she can see that now. I love her dearly. And she loves me.

My Struggle

I have been struggling with temptation. I don't think that it is wrong to be tempted, it is wrong to give in. And that has been a problem for me. I think if I can conquer this part of my life, I will really be able to grow spiritually and in other ways. This is the key for me. I will confess this to her, and previously she used to be hurt but now her love to me helps her to forgive me. I hope she can forgive me this time. I want to stress that this is not a "major" sin although it is not minor either.

I opened my Bible and came to Matthew 4. This was about Christ being tempted just after being baptised and before he began His ministry. The chapter starts out with Christ being led by the Spirit to be tempted. And after Christ resists the temptation it ends with Jesus being ministered by angels. Satan was tempting Christ and he didn't give in. What was interesting to me is what Christ did to combat the temptation. He quoted scripture. I am sure he didn't have the Torah with Him, but He must have known the scripture well. (He was God and yes, I am sure He knew it all, but He was also in human form). The lesson for me is I have to immerse myself in the Bible. I hadn't done that in some time, this week, so I was weak spiritually. Instead of the Spirit leading me to be tested, I led myself into temptation. I also need to memorize scripture and know it well, because that will protect me and keep me from falling.

In Phillipians, Paul speaks about pressing onwards and going forward. I need to do that. When and if I fall I need to see why it happened, and move on. I need to become the man God wants me to be. After Jesus resisted the temptation, He started His ministry. Perhaps when I am strong spiritually and when I can start resisting temptation consistently (that means every time), then perhaps God can use me for His glory.

Fall is here

There is a chill in the air, the first frost will be upon us soon. The summer that was "supposed to be" never happened. I guess this is how our plans and expectations are different from reality. It is not necessarily bad. I don't think that we made any "mistakes" for things not to be the way we expected. If God judges us we should clearly be doing something wrong and we are not. So therefore it is like the children of Israel in the wilderness. There is a lesson to be learned from this summer. I guess that is place God first and be patient and not try to do things according to our plans or schedule. My lesson is Wait upon the Lord.

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength they shall mount up with
wings as Eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not
faint. Isaiah 40:31 (paraphrased)

It is strange that that was a verse that we claimed as a promise. Well
I have so much to learn...

Long hard slog

My parents haven't said a word about her in about 10 days, well, maybe one week. Silence may be good in this case, especially since I haven't heard or seen any evidence that they are trying to do anything. It looks like, perhaps, they are just waiting and seeing what will happen and if this is indeed God's will. Everytime I have said this I have been wrong. So lets hope that this time I am right. In any case, we have gone to so many people, and asked the opinion and advice of so many others, that it is getting confusing. Not that people are giving conflicting opinions, but that they are all differing on what to do, or not even telling us what to do. So I think in this situation, we have to let God take control. And by putting Him first, and prioritizing our lives to glorify Him, all things will work out for His glory. Now my task is primarily to study like crazy. Today I have sent out my application for the exam. I will focus and show my parents by my actions that I can study and pass this exam. And that her being in my life is not a distraction. It will be tough with cycling, and running and Church and Bible study and Work, to get studying done as well. But I think it will be possible, very possible.

On her side, her dad called up another church and was upset because they sent her on a Missionary trip to "convert" Indians. She has to go before that church that sponsored her and tell them all that happened on the trip and explain why her dad is upset. I think the fact that her dad called them up will soften the church board a little bit. Neverthess it will be quite difficult for her to do this, but it will be the right thing to do. It is always good to be accountable and to tell the truth. There is great relief in that. I know because in all this I have been forced to tell the truth over and over, even when it hurt and made me or my family look bad. So I trust that in all this, there is a valuable lesson for us to learn and someday we can look back and use this experience as a testimony. So we need to be really faithful in all that we do right now. We need to take every small (and big) thing seriously and put it before God and be accountable to Him. In all this misery we have encountered and been a part of, we can truly say we both love each other and it has been a blessing. The fact we can say this tells me: this is of God.

Tons of Turmoil

Lots has happened since I last posted. I guess I will have to cover all of that in retrospective posts, and I will have to do that later. To summarize, my parents have been completely against this, and I have gone to a FEW others for counsel. Meanwhile I have gone to see her, and my parents were so upset, they called her parents up. When I asked my parents why they called her parents up, they said they were doing it to be honest or upfront with her parents. I said was it because you wanted me to marry her? And they didn't answer. So what it was really about was that they wanted to destroy things. So what ended up happening? Her parents seemed to like me. And they probably won't mind if we get married. And the other day, my mom says that it was a mistake that they called her parents up. First of all, my parents haven't been saying anything about mistakes and now at least they are admitting a mistake. That is really strange. I am not going to assume that we have God on our side. But we have to do some soul-searching before we claim that we do. One thing for certain is that it is still a possiblity that God wants us to get married.

The people that I went to for counsel also agreed that it could be God's will. One of the couples we spoke to were key figures in my parent's church. They really took on the responsibility and the time to talk to me about the whole thing. I feel that my parents might change their minds, but right now, I have to focus on my exam. That is the most important thing.

On another note, I met her yesterday. It was absolutely wonderful. We had a disagreement, and we couldn't study, but then we just poured out our hearts to each other. She loves me so much and I love her. We went shopping at the Gap, ate dinner and then we went home. What a day, and how much love is between us. She is so in need of love. She is afraid of being loved, because she thinks that she will be let down. I just kept telling her how much I love her. And now she knows. She knows it for sure. We both have a long way to go, but I do feel this is God's leading. We are also growing spiritually. We want to continue reading the Bible, but also resurrect our prayer list, so we can see how God has worked in our lives thus far, but also to enable our faith to grow, by seeing how God answers and can answer our prayers. Finally we want to memorize some of Phillipians chapter 2. I am so happy and so content right now...