Remicade

I am really down. I am struggling. First of all I am sick, my fistula is leaking blood. There was blood all over the area, staining my clothing, this morning when I awoke. I had this sinking feeling. On top of that my mom starts complaining about me. She complains about where I work. Then she is complaining about my exam. And also why I want to take it so quickly. She is truly paranoid. And then she wonders why I am never home. Well...because she is always yelling and telling me how sick I am. I KNOW HOW SICK I AM. I know I have ulcers in my body and that I am falling apart.

Now the doctor wants me to schedule my Remicade infusions. I am not looking forward to this. With all the drugs that I took before--Imuran, Asacol and then Flagyl-- I got pancreatitis. It seems that no drug works on me without miserable side affects. If you search the net for Remicade
(here is the Google search for Remicade), you will see all kinds of horror stories about what can happen. With my background, I really don't want to get into this. This could damage me for life. I also know that having inflammation is not good for me. Excessive inflammation, can lead to anemia and other problems. But what other options do I have?

But instead of asking how I feel and what I think about things, my parents, especially my mom, want to give me hell over the person I love and whose care and comfort I could use right now.

I really want to call her, but I know that sometimes she doesn't want to talk to me. We are supposed to be taking a break, but I know that my parents want me to limit my conversations with her to less than 20 minutes a week. I just can't take this anymore. To be in this illness and not have her around is just not fair. I will take this exam and pass it, and then be with her. Unless God tells me otherwise, or unless she just doesn't want me in her life anymore. That is a definite possiblity. Who wants to have a sick husband...Indians definitely don't. How depressing. I know this is a test and God is watching me to see how I perform under stress. But it is difficult. Very tough. I have no one. No one really cares about me. I know God does, but why can't he give someone on the earth who cares. I am tired of being yelled at. I am just not going to be home anymore. All they do is yell at me. I am SICK--can't they ease up on me? Then my mom say how we didn't do anything for Mother's day. We planned all this stuff, bought her flowers, I cleaned her car and washed it and vacuumed it, we bought her a cell phone (which she refused to accept, when she found out that I had paid for it partly) and she says we don't do anything for her for Mother's day. I am tired, I am sick--literally.