Fwd: I miss you!

Date: Thu, 27 May 2004 15:23:07 -0400
Subject: Re: I miss you!

How did you know, that at literally the exact moment that you wrote
this letter, i was probably in tears by my phone wondering where on
earth thism oney was going to come from? you are truly amazing... and
yes, do not worry, I love you and am always here for you and
will support you in all you do-- i know sometimes i may not show it
and that sometimes life just doesn't allow what i truly feel for you
in my heart to break through-- please know that i do care and that i
am praying (i fasted for your exam monday-- all day), and that i am
thinking of you... often. Right now, i am just very happy that you
are getting into a "groove" and that you feel focused and are studying
so well-- it is wonderful and encouraging and a praise to God. Keep
studying baby, i will see you soon and until then... take care ok?
God bless you...

Love,





On Thu, 27 May 2004 13:56:47 -0400,
>
> ARe you ok? Darling, I just miss you so much...just pray for me and
> please be there when I need you...I will be there for you...I can't
> wait for this thing to be over so that we can be back together
> again...at least on the phone and email...take care baby...after the
> exam show me your love, show me how much you care ok? I do love you
> and know you are going through some tough times right now, with
> finances and the India trip...don't worry we will fast and pray over
> that...God will provide...remember Isaac and just rememeber this will
> increase your faith in God, just like this whole exam experience is
> increasing my faith in God. God bless you baby..
>
> Love
> Me
>

Fwd: FW: Aswers to all your life's problems (hee, hee)

Date: Thu, 27 May 2004 15:23:28 -0400

I feel discouraged

One week to go

So she finally read the blog. She also put a couple of posts, but
told me to delete one. She thought that it is too depressing, that it
seems as if the relationship is always going through rough times. So
I told her she should tell it like it is, she should write something.
She will, but to be fair she has a lot going on as well.

I am just not in a good mood today. One week to go for the exam...8
days. I just am tired, and grouchy. I need exercise, I feel dull, I
have body aches, from not doing anything. Can't wait until it is
over, I just hope and pray that I pass. I am getting scared. I know
that I should pass, but it is such a tough exam that yes, I do have
doubts. And I don't want to go over this stuff again. I want to move
on. To be fair my preparation has not been good. I really need to
discipline myself. I always say this right before the exam, always
having regrets. We never learn from our mistakes. Never. Well, I
will truly try this time. I think though that I will pass, I have
been praying and I believe things happen for a purpose. In order for
that purpose to be fulfilled, I shoud pass. I mean I have been
studying, just not as diligently as I should be.

I also miss her so much. It is the stress of the exam. I hope for
the next exam I will have her near me. By my side. The emotional
support would be tremendous. Just having someone there. Who knows
when this will all happen. Her pastor doesn't seem to thrilled, he
thinks she is called to be a missionary to India. Full Time. And he
wants to know if that is where I am called. Not exactly. I spent 5
years there and don't really want to go back permanently, not at
all....short term is ok. Then her parents want me to pass and get a
job before I marry their daughter. Which is reasonable. I am just
tired of all of this. I shouldn't complain, my life is great, but it
is the fact I love her, and see these obstacles. It is difficult to
imagine being apart from her. And I see things pulling us away. That
is why I am this way. I trust that she is commited to me. From what
I have seen there is no doubt about that. So...I need to show
patience and get back to the books. Discipline is doing something you
hate, as if you love it. That is someone else's quote. So I guess if
I am disciplined now, I will never have to go through this again. I
hope.

"Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Savior
I know for sure, all of my days are held in Your hands..
..captured into Your perfect plan

You gently call me into your presence
Guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord, to live all of my life... through Your eyes

And I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart, I know You're drawing me to Yourself
Lead me Lord I pray..."


~Hillsongs

(from her)

Resolved

I must say, today was a key moment in our relationship. Since my last
post, there were serious questions. One of them was her calling to
India. I knew about it, but didn't give it much thought. I don't
have a specific calling, at least not yet. So the question was, how
would her calling and my career here in the US, well, could they
coexist? I believed they could. I could go to India for a month or
few weeks and fulfill the call. No problem at all, except that her
calling is full time. Yup. She wants to spend the rest of her life
in India. I just spent 5 long hard years there, had typhoid fever
twice, septic shock once, various other ailments, and barely made it
back in one piece. I did not envision myself even going back. The
fact that I was open to going back at all was a major step, but to go
India permanently? I am open to it believe it or not.

The thing that upset me is that she never told me about this,
specifically that it might be permanent. We continued to move along
in the relationship, getting deeper and deeper. At the same time she
really felt that this relationship should continue. I thought it had
gone too far, and it couldn't continue until we knew each others
plans. At this point she said she was willing to give up her dreams
to be a wife and mother. And trust me, she had a lot of dreams.
Dreams for her, nightmares for me. But the moment she said those
words, and put her desires aside for me, is when the light broke
through the clouds. It was a defining moment. This is how it should
be, of course, I will be the primary earner (if I ever get a job).
And she was willing to submit. This is why it will work out, and why
we will both be happy. We both know our roles and will stick to them.

Here I am in the library, unable to study. Yes there was an extended argument last night. I just saw some things I didn't like. (I am sure she saw things she didn't like either). I guess the thing that bothers me most, is that I don't think she cares about me as much as I care about her. The evidence for this, is that I simply asked her a few things that I wanted her to do. She didn't do them. She just gave excuses. Her behavior shows her feelings to me. If she doesn't listen to what I say, then what am I supposed to do? It is not like I am demanding things and that she MUST do things. But I just asked her to do a few things and a week had gone by, and not even a response from her. She didn't say that she couldn't do it, she didn't say that she didn't want to...she kept silent. I just don't understand that. If she says she loves me but doesn't listen to what I say (it almost felt like she was ignoring me), then what do her actions say? She had time to go the dentist, get her hair done, go running, go to a "pampered chef" party, go meet people, but not do things that I requested. Not even a response. That bothers me. The purpose of a courtship, dating and then engagement, is for what?

* In 1215 Pope Innocent III declared that there should be an official waiting period before a couple married. This was the beginning of the engagement tradition we know today.
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/6/story_605_1.html

What is the engagement period for?
1. Time for testing – to evaluate
2. Opportunity to make a transition from single to being married.
3. Time to prepare for responsibility for married life.
4. Plan the wedding.
http://www.uen.org/Lessonplan/preview.cgi?LPid=4332

In retrospect, the two other disagreements we had, were quickly resolved, and the things were forgotten. So perhaps I am overblowing things, taking things too seriously. Maybe. I am open though, and I will tell her all these things. And I will be open to criticism as well. I will listen. My guess is that things will be resolved. But the issues at hand can pose some problems. There are quite a few, one being her parents, and relationship with them, and their approval/disapproval of this relationship and the consequences of that. Her parents are Hindu, and she, like myself is a born-again Christian. She went through some very difficult times after she became a Christian. She has explained some of them to me, but whenever we talk about her parents and the marriage, things change. It is as if there is a chill in the air. The fact is, it will be difficult for her parents to give their approval for her to marry a Christian, furthermore, a Christian from a different part of India. This may seem like splitting hairs, but if her parents say no, what will be the result? I asked her and she said, that she didn't know what she would do. She said she would wait. That is a non-answer. Or perhaps, a truly honest one. From what I see, in her eyes that was not a possibility. That they would say yes. But is it wrong on my part to ask such a crucial question, something akin to where we should live, and other things like that. If they were so important she should have had them get involved from day one. She didn't, they dropped her off to met me and they left. That signifies a limited role for her parents. Yet my parents were there, and I told her this is an arranged marriage and it has to be arranged by my parents.

She said the Bible says,

"Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee."
(Exodus 20:12)

I agree with that, and I heard someone equating honor to respect. She can respectfully say to them she honors them, but in her Christian faith she cannot marry a Hindu. I guess I want her to say that if it comes down to it, and her parents tell her no, then she will marry me anyhow. Is that selfish? Maybe, but I respect the fact that she said, she doesn't know. Is this too hypothetical a situation? No it is not, but I have seen this happening, but in most of the cases the parents finally give their blessing. But this questions is a matter of relevance and if she doesn't know if she can give up her parents to be with me, or to go against her parents to be with me, then that says a lot about what I am to her.

To be fair (and I have given her this blogger info a long time ago, and more than once, but to my knowledge she hasn't viewed a single post yet), there is another verse in the Bible.

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well
pleasing unto the Lord. (Col 3:20)

This is also true, but the Bible clearly states that God should be first. I do believe that this is God's will for us to be together, so perhaps I should drop the whole thing, expect a miracle, and wait for her parents to say yes. That might be what I will have to do.

The other major thing is that she feels God is calling her to be a missionary, to serve Him. She feels a strong calling for that. And to be honest, I don't. This is another major thing. There should be unanimity on this issue. Period. We can't just overlook it and say, we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Nope. It has to be determined or at least before the marriage. Of course, I will have to pray and seek God, and see what he wants me to do. One thing is for sure, if her parents know that I want to be a missionary, they will not allow their daughter to marry me.

Well this is my last post for a while, I will turn it over to her for a while, all these things have been my thoughts. Probably pretty boring, sometimes I just get too serious. Anyhow, I will let her take over, I have no idea if she will actually write anything or not, but lets see.

My exam is rapidly approaching, I am not quite ready. I really have to do a lot of hard work to pass. I feel I can pass though, but the truth will be known in the next week and how I handle myself. I have been praying, and working hard, but I think that if we submit things to God, He will take care of this exam. It doesn't change a lot, but I still have to study hard, but the difference is in my goals. Not selfish, egoistic goals, but to glorify God. To do things for his glory. I am not sure what that means, but my exam is a medical one, and I think that I can do things for His glory once I get through these exams. The other thing is that people will be watching, and I can share how I passed...I can testify that it was truly not on my own that I passed.

I will not be able to see her until the end of the month, so that will be about three weeks from now. That is scary, I just have three weeks! That pressure will help me get over missing her. Plust the fact that if I don't pass, things will be very very tough. Very tough. I usually thrive on pressure, so I will come back and read this and it will motivate me. :-)

I do thrive under pressure. Of course, pressure can be debilitating, but if the preparation is somewhat adequate, the human mind and body can do amazing things. God can supply some of the will power, and I think I can take it from there. The WILL to do something is what separates success from failure. Some people will not take NO for an answer. Failure is not an option. I talk a lot, but lets see if I can back up that talk....time will tell. And the two people, well one person, who is reading this (yup, that is me), will know soon enough....

14Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14

We are all given choices in life. We are too quick to complain about our particular situations, our place in life. But we are responsible for our decisions. What we do with our time, where we go, who our friends are. If you go back over a particular rough period of life, then you will see that there usually was a way, to avoid it, or to escape that path you took. That happened to me a long time ago, I started being friendly with a girl who was not a Christian. It seemed like such a minor thing. But that was a wrong choice I made, and to this day it has had a lasting effect on me. When the first battle is lost, things get bad.