I know, it is early still only August 15. I made it to August 14th, up till then I was struggling. I had some rough moments at work. That, along with not being able to speak to her, not talking to my parents, left me pretty miserable. I was wallowing in self-pity. :-) I can smile about it now. August 14th was the sixth-month anniversary of us meeting. So I called her up. She forgot that it was that date. :-( I then proceeded to tell her how upset I was and how depressed I was. But instead of getting sympathy, she said that I was full of pride. That was tough to take. But I asked her to tell me how I was full of pride. I mean I wanted to scream out in anger, "I am not full of pride!" But that would almost be proof that I was! I was hurting and all I wanted to hear was comforting words from her mouth. The problem was that I hadn't sought counsel and advice from other Christians. Well, she was right. But I had tried, I had called/emailed at least two people and I tried to go to church to meet the senior pastor, but he was on vacation. And the people I tried to get in touch with, just didn't contact me back. I agree with her that I keep to myself. I don't think that in general I am prideful. But in this case emotionally, perhaps I am. The reason is I don't want to look weak in front of others. I am deathly afraid of showing vulnerability. I can't meet people and see their faces and have them know that I failed my exam. So I shut myself in a shell. I keep away from others. She also said that I can't say that I won't change. I realize that it is not healthy, to be anti-social. Maybe she sees that in me. But it is very tough to have someone nine years younger tell you these faults. It is tougher to admit it. I think that she is correct. I also think that there are other things simultaneously happening. I think there is also insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy. And these are defense mechanisms to keep myself from getting hurt. I remember once in college, a professor, my advisor, was looking at my transcript. It was after a particularly miserable semester. He looked at it, and told me that I should become a plumber. That hurt, a lot.

I just am looking for her love, and she can criticize and tell me my faults and I will listen. But I just want it to be done in love. I asked her later if she said all of these things in love, and she said that yes she did. I know she loves me. I love her as well. I just am afraid and scared to be in a vulnerable position. I felt like attacking back, looking for some fault of hers and pointing it out. But that is wrong. I need to be humble and accept correction. That is the way of the cross. But I am vulnerable. She knows me so well now, that she can hurt me so deeply. I just pray that she won't do that. I hope I can show her my heart, and my love to her, and that she is helping me to grow spiritually and in ways that I haven't thought I need to grow. I never have had someone point this out in me. She is either very perceptive and intelligent, or perhaps God is revealing some things to her. I think it is a bit of both. She is really intelligent. I am happy about that.

I am also afraid of rejection. Perhaps that is pride as well. Well this will give us lots to talk about come September first. I really wanted to call her and share things with her. But I will wait. I will spend this time learning about the dangers of pride, and examining myself. I do need to grow spiritually and I think I need to do that before I marry her. I think God will make things clear to me over these next few weeks.