Absolute Surrender

On Friday, I went to the hospital for the first of three bi-weekly Remicade infusions. It went ok, but I really was nervous. After reading all the side effects, I was quite worried. Fortunately everything went well, the nurse was incredible. Really quality healthcare. She was an older nurse (I don't want that special someone to worry!). And although there were moments of anxiety, I felt ok. I was really knocked out by the benedryl they gave me. I guess they gave me a high dose, because I was wiped out all day and into the evening. After that and into the next day, I felt really physically exhausted and breathless at times. I really am still tired and have absolutely no energy.

Sunday, at church, the pastor spoke about Matthew 6--the Lord's Prayer. Actually about the part that says, "Thy kingom come, Thy will be done." That really means that we should pray that God's will be done. His plan should happen in our lives. That means we should give up our ideas, and realize that His plan is what is best for our lives. As
Reinhold Niebuhr wrote in "The Serenity Prayer,"

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

This essentially means, that sometimes God's will is not what we want. That perhaps God wants us to change rather than for Him to change our circumstances. The link is provided above to read the whole prayer.

This weekend she went to her old college town to visit some old friends. She was with some of the old Indian friends. Elders. I was surrendering her to the Lord. Yet, God kept her on my heart. Especially since I was sick, and not knowing what would happen. I thought that perhaps I should call her and tell her I loved her. I called, she answered and she was really angry at me. I won't tell you all the things she said. Well, she was mad. Her Indian friend was saying that I was not the one for her. That God had someone else for her. I though that perhaps she was saying it just to help her understand that it would not happen. I mean what better thing to tell someone that there is no hope. I mean if there is, then at least they can say they were wrong. If they were right that there was no hope, at least the person is prepared. I took it pretty hard. But I did tell her I loved her. I was really upfront about that.

Today morning I awoke and saw I had a voicemail. She left a message saying that she really wanted me to go on with my life. The kind of message that meant that she loved me but had to let me go, because I was not the one for her. I really was upset. But I went to my Bible and I prayed. I realized that God had the best in mind for me. He truly wants the best for me. If she is part of His plan, He will bring it about. If not, He will give me the grace to continue. It was tough, but I really had peace. I let go, and let God. A well-used cliche, but it is true.

This afternoon as soon as I got to the library, there was a voicemail. She said that she thinks that I am from God. In other words, if I am correct, she believes that this relationship is from God. My spirits are up. God is good. If we just obey, He listens. Thank you Jesus for you incredible love for me.