Did I overreact?
The fact that I am a doctor has lots to do with it. Just the knowledge of what can go wrong (that is the subject of Pathology, in a nutshell--what can go wrong and how it goes wrong!) perhaps caused me to overreact. I think that things will be ok, I am in God's hands. Perhaps I will have some rough moments in life, but overall I think I will be fine and live a normal life. I know that fibre and fruits and vegetables will have to be a part of my normal diet. I remember seeing a movie, with a child who was sick in bed, and he thought he was going to die. Then the doctor came in and was examing the child. Then the doctor passed gas...yes, a little bit of flatulence. And the child reasoned (correctly) that if things were so serious the doctor would have a little bit more reverence and would have contained himself. It was a good movie, one of those Irish/U.K. films.
I neglected to mention completely how, I called her on Saturday night. It was very late, and I was really emotionally despondent. Well she didn't take it too well. She said that I can't depend on her right now. She called up the next morning and left a message saying that she was sorry. I guess for losing her temper. I don't blame her, my situation is pretty grim. With my health and with my parents, and my life in general. But I have faith that whatever she is going through (and I have no idea), is going to make her know clearly whether she should be in the relationship or not.
All I know is that I love her and I can't wait to be part of her life again. She is so adorable. Let me tell you why. The other day she called and something was wrong. Let me give you an illustration how she was describing what was wrong:
She: I am really upset.
Me: OK, what is wrong?
She: I am on the side of the road and all the cars are passing me and no one is stopping to help.
Me: What is wrong with your car? Should I call AAA for you?
She: It won't go.
Me: Why? Does it start?
She: Yes it starts, but why is this happening to me?
Me: Then why won't you drive away?
She: The car was shaking, and I pulled over, I am so scared!
Me: Can you drive it to a gas station, otherwise wait there and I will call AAA.
She: No I can't drive it! Why me!!!!
Me: Why not?
She: There is a flat tire.
Me: OK I will call AAA.
She: ok do it and it is your fault because you should have been checking my tires, that is your job!
Me: OK I am sorry...forgive me!
This is how she would be. And this is how she was that night when she called me except that she was upset about her dad. The fact that he is a Hindu, and how much he needs Jesus. I know that is so important in our lives. whoops, I should say her life--at least unless we get married. But all she needs is a place and time to release her feelings. And then she needs lots of love. And tenderness. I feel I can give those to her. I think I have been stifling her. I will wait until she contacts me, or I will just wait until I feel that God wants us to be in touch with each other again. Let God do things in His time. I feel so relieved right now.
In Christianity, they talk about taking up the cross. That means to say no to yourself, to abstain to take the hard road. You do this in order to purify yourself, and at the same time to draw closer to the Lord. It is such a release to do this. The pressure just comes off. The desires and lusts are put aside and we can see what we are doing and whether God approves of it or not. Even fasting is a good thing. I need to do that more. In this case, just giving her up shows me that I am not addicted to her (um...well I was, but I know I shouldn't be because that prevents me from giving, when all I want to do is receive). I am learning much.
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