Conflict and Resolution (well getting close to a resolution)

Yesterday, my dad, mom and elder brother confronted me. They all feel
the same way and are united against me. They left out my sisters, who
agree with me. They then proceeded to tell me that I should leave
her. And stop talking to her and to cancel any and all plans for
marriage. I got really angry, how can they keep bringing this up? I
told them, that I can't be without her and I need to talk to her. I
also said I would cancel all plans for marriage with her, and tell her
"no." But I said only under the circumstance that they stop looking
for a wife for me. That they would tell all the people that were
pending that I was no longer interested. This got them a little
upset. But after some times they agreed to it. I am scarred and
bruised and feeling numb.

I then called her, and she said she didn't love me. She said to leave
her alone and that God would take care of the rest. I could not
believe she was saying this. I left a few emails and told her also
to call me that night. I waited and waited and she didn't call. I
stayed up the whole night, playing the guitar and listening to music,
and waiting for her call. She didn't call. I felt so terrible. (I
know that is selfish, but I have grown to lean on her and I need her
solace). I then started to think terrible things, and started to do
destructive things. I looked up in Google, the names of her exes.
And I found their photos. I just looked at them for the sole
intention of inflicting pain on myself. It sounds terrible, but I was
just so devastated. I know I did something wrong, and there is no
excuse for it. I couldn't do anything else, I knew I couldn't
intentionally displease God. Even at the time, if a beautiful woman
came on the television, I didn't look. I didn't want to hurt her, I
wanted to hurt myself. But don't think I can ever commit suicide.
But I did think about it. I fell asleep at around 7 or 8 am. I then
got up at noon, and called her. She said she had to go.

I asked her again, repeatedly if she loved me. She once again said
"no." This was too much. She said to stop calling her, I tried to do
that, I even tried to break up with her. But I can't I am already
feeling so much pain. I failed the exam, my parents are angry at me
for this whole thing, and now she wanted to leave me. She kept saying
trust God. But at the moment, under emotional duress, we need support
from loved ones. I was getting none. No support from anyone. I then
asked her if I could call an ex. She hung up the phone.

I called one of her friends and she told me that I needed to leave my
girl alone. That hurt me, because I didn't realize that she had told
so much to her friend. I thought this was between us. I don't mind
her telling her friends, I just want to know who and I don't want her
to tell everyone. Just a few people, I don't mind. We all need
support. But sometimes girls get out of hand and tell everyone. I
don't mind her telling her problems, but I felt a little bad that she
said stuff about me, and then I was hearing from her friend and not
from my girl.

I kept trying to call her, and repeatedly tried but i could only leave
messages. After about 15 minutes she called and said, that she loved
me. I just broke down and started crying. That was all I needed to
hear. I can go years without seeing her, but if she doesn't love me,
that will crush me. Although if she truly doesn't, she needs to tell
me that.

Almost immediately, one of her elder friends called up. Actually
her friends husband. He must be in his 40s or so. He spoke to me for
about 90 minutes. He told me that if we felt so strongly that it was
God's will, he said we shouldn't bring it to a close. We could put it
on hold, and wait for sometime. But to say no to God's will is wrong.
We could wait to see if God could confirm it. I also told him some
of the circumstances around the previous attempts at marriage in our
family. I told him I thought this was my mother's overprotective
nature, and that my mom thought this was a battle between her and my
girl. That is the clearest explanation. And it explains my mom's
intense hatred for my girl. The answer to this is quite simple, once
my mother sees that there is no competition and that both her and my
wife can coexist in a loving way in my life, I think the problem will
be solved. My mom needs to know to let go. That is the simple fact.
Anyhow, this uncle (Indian term for any elder male), said that the
other thing he had to ask was her call. She felt like she had to be a
full time missionary. And he wanted to know how that would fit in
with my plans. I told him that I had no plans at all to be a
full-time missionary. And she felt that she had to be a wife and
mother first. And she was open to short-term missions as I was. I
told him that I would have her call him and clarify her "call." The
uncle also was impressed that neither of us had any preconceived
notions about what we wanted in a spouse. I indicated that both had
given a blank sheet to God, when it came to our requests for a spouse.
After all this he said that we could perhaps even talk, but we needed
to seek God's will. I also told him that I had seen another girl and
had went openly, and told God that if this other girl was his will I
would marry her. God told me in Phillipians 4:8 that my love, my girl
was the one for me. He also didn't give a definite answer whether I
should meet other girls when we were on a break. Of course I don't
want to do that. But he basically left the door open to what I
thought, and I think until I know 100% about my baby, it is morally
wrong to meet other girls.

I will talk to one or perhaps two more people regarding this, and then
present all of this to my parents. And then prayerfully decide if
this is the girl and the one I am supposed to marry.

What am I fighting for?

I have been making a stand, sticking up for her. I know how things
have been in my family in the past. And now, things are tough for me,
but I believe my parents will come around. But today I had a crushing
defeat. She no longer wants to be in my family. She doesn't want any
part of it. I called her back thinking it was emotion, or a
spur-of-the-moment thought, but she did mean it. She says I have to
trust God, not her. I have to go to God and lean on Him, not her.

I can't believe it, she is saying that. She is quitting on me. I
have never felt so alone.

Heartfelt Apology

She sent an apology to the Pastor in India whom she stayed with while
in India. How touching! You can see the life of Christ in her, when
a person who has not done anything major, is willing to let things go
and apologize, that shows a conscience and a heart. I love this
woman. I love her so much. How can my parents be blind to the jewel
that THEY found? Why are their eyes closed to this?

One Down

I am really happy. Today my darling and I faced a crisis. We talked
it through and made a right decision. She had to leave her church, we
called the dean of her seminary, and he felt the same way. It was an
inquisition. They wanted all the church elders, and their wives
versus her alone (they would allow her 20 year-old sister though!).
That is not fair, that is bullying, it is not fair in a church and it
is not fair anywhere else. The dean of the seminary also said it was
not Scriptural, unless she wished to stay in the church. The
surprising thing is that her pastor was ok with it. I think he
realized that perhaps he made a mistake. Here was a sheep and he was
a spiritual father, and she was leaving his fold. I am glad that
things worked out this way.

She was so worried, no, she was scared and frightened of the pastor
and the elders. That is not normal. That is wrong. She should have
been welcoming the chance to explain to them. But fear is not the
right attitude for a Chrisitian relating to her church.

Anyhow after things were done, it was a huge relief. A large load was
lifted of our shoulders. And I think now the stress is lessening and
the healing can begin. I share her optimism that things can improve.

somehow, i feel that things are going to be ok.  i know that things are crazy and hectic right now, but today i spoke to his dad and Dr. Shepherd and ended things with my church... it was a little sad but i had no other choice. 
 
so... with all this happening and God moving in the ways that He is... i feel that now that all the bad has happened and is beginning to be mended through communication, apologies, prayer and Bible study (on my end anyway :) ), i feel that God is going to start healing, working, and mending.  i hope anyway.  things cannot be like this for too long, can they?  and although many feel that a break is needed, and a break is what we are taking, a break is not written in some formula written in heaven by God in every situation, it just occurs in some, where needed.  i am not denying the need for a break in ours, i am just saying that just because it happens in all Christian cliches doesn't mean it needs to happen for us. 
 
anyway, we shall see what happens.

Last Call

I called her yesterday, maybe for the last time. What is it about
women that gives them so much self control and patience? She can give
me up even though it hurts her so much! I am struggling here, looking
at the phone and feeling so miserable that we can't call each other. I want
to call and just hear her voice. Not say anything but listen to that
voice, sometimes soft, sometimes questioning, always tender and
loving. I miss her so much. I don't know what to do. I am just
stuck, my life is ruined. It really is. How am I supposed to study? How long will it be before I can pick up a book and read or study? My mind is fragile. I told them so many times that when it comes to studying I need peace and quiet. I need to have a peaceful mental state. I can't study with turmoil. They are not thinking about me. That is for sure. How can they play games with our emotions? How can they do this to me? I really feel like moving out. If I continue to feel this way, I will move out.

On the other hand there is something I can do. That is to call their
friends and talk to them, and even people they know. This will get
ugly, because I have to tell things to make my point. The things that
I tell will make people look bad, including my mom. But they won't
talk to me and they have screwed around with my sibling's lives and now
mine. I was so oblivious and I didn't realize that this could and would happen to me.
Well the future is here, and I am finally the victim.

I saw my sister being forced to marry someone she hated, they finally relented. Then my brother (funny how they treat him differently), broke an engagement. Less
than two years ago, they cancelled a marriage with a week to go, and
then let it proceed. Now my sister is stuck in a marriage where she
doesn't even TALK to the in-laws. It is horrific how they can do this
to her. I just can't believe it. And they don't feel guilty? They
want to ruin my life as well? Well you know, I have seen enough. I
won't get married. I have found my life partner and they don't want
me to marry her. Now they are forcing us apart. Will she be there for
me in one year? Two years? Three? How long will she wait? Even if
it is God's will, what if she gets tired of waiting. What if she
changes her mind? What if some dashing young man, with
self-confidence comes into her life, and she is swept off her feet?
She will look at this situation and run into ANYONE else's arms. I
can't blame her. This is not what she deserves.

Abeyance

So they told me to put things with Piyali in abeyance. So I will. I
guess that means to suspend things. I will stop talking to her. And
visiting her. And emailing her. This comes a week after I failed my
exam. And now they take away someone who loves and supports me. I am
literally sick over this. But all they want is their way. And I am
letting them have their way. It is all about control. They have to
approve who I see, who I meet, who I talk to. I am thirty-three years
old. Don't laugh, cause I sure am not. They don't give me a car.
They are trying to control my life. I just can't believe it. It is
heart-wrenching. So I will do the only thing I can do. Talk to their
friends and let them know what is going on. But after telling them
the story, what do I ask them to do? They want me to end it and I
have. But what to tell their friends other than pray? I guess tell
them the truth and tell them that I have been wronged and if need be I
will have to move out of the house. I mean I won't be abused and
controlled. That is not love. And the Bible says, of faith hope and
love, "...the greatest of these is love." (I Corinthians 13).

She loves me not?

My parents decided that I shouldn't talk to her anymore. They gave
some ridiculous reason. It is interfering with my studies, they say.
I am really upset over this. So I agreed, I think this is temporary.
But it is cruel on their part. They never took into consideration, my
feeling. They never asked what I wanted. Ever. They don't care
about how I feel. All they want is what they think is right. I am
really numb. How can they do this to me, don't they know about how
people feel, how people hurt? It is my life, shouldn't they allow me
to be happy? After all, THEY introduced me to her. They knew it was
progressing, and they actually gave their approval. Now, it is my
fault. I went behind their backs and met her (GASP!!!). We went to
Madras together and they had a fit. So now, I should stop talking.
Like a machine, I can turn on and off, my emotions. I told them this
was God's will, and they said that was just my emotions. I really am
angry. I don't want to go to church. This is Christianity? This is
the Bible? Drag someone's name through the dirt? And then don't look
at your own faults but blame the poor and the innocent. Blame her?
No WONDER I didn't go to church for more than a year. No wonder
people get fed up with Christians. She will read this and be hurt,
but I am bitter. I am angry and upset. The sad thing is that I am
right. They have no clue what they are doing. There isn't even
someone else. Not even a person who they can say, oh she is better.
Can't they ask me? Who do you want to spend your life with? Who do
you like? What is it you want? NO....my feelings are immaterial. No
one cares one iota what I feel.

you know something... people make me sick.  really.  they are all so ridiculous.  here they are... after a big Christian event... a crusade where many had gotten saved... and all they can focus their attention on is the fact that him and i have committed the unforgivable sin in their eyes... travel (shock!  shame!)  alone together and (even more taboo!) stay in the same place together... EVEN THOUGH we did NOT commit sin in God's eyes... and even though the heart of the situation was... he got sick!  and i was just trying to be a true Christian and not leave him because of what everybody else would think and take care of him!  seriously, people really need to get a life.  this whole thing has just blown way out of proportion, and instead of focusing on the mission trip and allowing God to get the glory, people are more interested in knowing where we stayed and giving accounts on how we spent our time... AFTER the mission trip was over.  can someone say "WRONG HEART ATTITUDE?"  gosh, if this is ministry, i don't want it.  seriously.  i would so much rather be a Christian who is not that committed to a church and very committed to God personally than someone who claims to love God and then when faced with a situation cares more about the outward appearance than the heart of the person who was in need.  if this is Christianity, i don't want it.  i want God, but i don't want christianity.  that's the bottom line.

Chennai

The last night of the Crusade, her purse was stolen. It was taken and
in it were her passport, her plane ticket, money and various forms of
ID. I found out, and when I could I came down to see her. We then
had to go to Chennai to the US Consulate to apply for a new passport.
Since she didn't have any ID, well she had one ID from her college,
they thought if I went as a US citizen, it would be better. So we
decided to go to Chennai together. No one seemed to mind, and I asked
the pastor she was staying with, whether he wanted to send a chaperone
with us. He declined. So we went off to Chennai, and by the time the
work was done there, and we applied for the passport, I started
running a fever. The passport would come in about a week or so, so
there was nothing to do in Chennai. but I was sick many times in
India, and we were afraid that perhaps this was another sickness. I
wanted to drop her off in Bangalore, and then go to Hyderabad myself.
But since I was sick, she didn't want me to do all that travel. So we
left to Hyderabad, straight from Chennai. By the time we reached
Hyderabad, my parents, ,who were looking for me, had called so many
people they found out we had left to Hyderabad. Needless to say,
there were not at all pleased. Then they started destroying her
reputation. They called her pastor and her friends and told everyone
what she had done. She was supposed to be on a mission's trip and yet
she did this. I must say we did not sin, we did not have sex. We
read the Bible and prayed and we had fun, we went through Hyderabad,
and enjoyed each other's company. It was actually a relief that my
parents knew. I thought that it would be the best thing, ,and that
they would be forced to accept the relationship.