I have some major studying to do. There is a major exam coming up. I have my back to the
wall. I don't have any options right now other than to study. I know I can do it, but it will take a
huge effort. The fact of the matter is that if I apply myself and study, I will be able to solve a lot
of problems in my life. Actually, there are no problems, but there will be if I don't do well on the
exam!

One thing that always motivated me was the 1989 New York City Marathon. I don't remember
the winning time, but the winner in the men's division, was an Ethiopian named Juma Ikaanga.
He averaged 4:51 miles, with a 4:38 mile and won convincingly. He made it look so easy, but it
wasn't. He said in a quote, "The will to win means nothing, if there is no will to prepare."
Things don't come easy in life. One has to work hard to achieve success, but once it has been
achieved, no one ever regrets the work and effort that was put into it.

Things have been uneventful since my last post. That is not to say that things haven't been going well, they have been going extremely well, so I guess the lack of newsworthy items is a good thing. Today, I really wanted to tell her something, but she is kind of busy, and has a lot of other stuff going on. I really don't know if I should tell her or not. If I do it might make her feel guilty, that she is not spending time with me. Yet on the other hand, this is nothing crucial, it is just some feelings and needs and things of that sort.

One of the things that is truly precious is that we do long for each other now. When it is time to say goodbye on the phone, we hesitate to leave. I must say I have always hesitated, but she is beginning to now also. Even now, when I spoke to her and we said we shouldn't meet, almost immediately she emailed me back saying that she really wants to meet. Inside of her is this desire to be with me. When I see her, she seems normal, calm. But then after talking to her for sometime, I begin to realize that she is overflowing with emotion and passion.

How can people look so calm on the outside and have all this intensity within? We walk by people on the street, and things seem so quiet, so calm. But who knows what they are enduring inside of them? I imagine much of it is despair and sadness. I can say that judging from the use of antidepressants in the US. Consider how many people are using them, or going for therapy. Even all those using drugs and alcohol. These often forms of escape. A way to avoid reality. But why is reality so bad? I look at life in other countries. Many want to come to the US (even if they say they don't), or at least they want the level of prosperity that is there in the USA. It looks as though people might be poorer elsewhere, but happier there.
Then you wonder the things we do to get happiness. All the work and effort. And we usually fail. What is the point of it all? This is when I know there must be a God. How can we live and die and disappear? Why do we have feelings and consciences, and love. Why do lower forms of life not have these things? I have no answers, except to say there must be a God.

Well it has been an interesting weekend. First of all, on Friday night, I believe, we had another fight. OK, this was the second one. It was also about an ex. I guess. Who knows what it was truly about, and who really cares. The point is that neither of us wanted to give in. So everything is off. We are breaking up. I don't know what to do with this stupid blog now. OK I am kidding it is not off! But we did have a fight and I was telling her that I didn't like this ex, and him calling her. And I started yelling, and losing my temper. And then past things were brought up and it was a mess. I threatened that we shouldn't talk for a month, or that we should take a break. Well, she knows, that there is NO WAY, I could make it without her for that long, and that what we fought about was nothing important. It was just two egos clashing. We both have strong egos. One of us has to submit. And most of the time it will be her. I know some people might think that is not fair. But the point is I don't have a problem with submission, and I am the leader. There are things which I will give in, but overall, someone needs to take charge. And since we both believe in the Bible, we will use that as our outline, and as the model for our relationship. It doesn't mean that I am the master that she is the slave, but that there needs to be a leader, and yet we can be equals, and listen and care for each other. Having arguments is good, because it shows our weaknesses. And shows that we can reconcile, and can work through problems.

So then on Saturday we met. We had to. After that terrible feeling, not that we fought but that we should be with each other to just feel loved by each other...we had to meet. So we met at a library which was half way. And we studied, and talked a bit and studied some more. It was truly wonderful. She just hugged me, and told me she loved me. It sounds so simple, so plain. But I knew with confidence, that moment, that this was love I had never experienced before. The depth of it was amazing. I had opened up to her previously, which I never had to anyone before. I Was a sitting duck, ready to be hurt or broken, and in return was this expression of love, a simple one, that opened up a place deep in my soul, that I never knew existed. Look, I am not a teenager, but a man, who thought he knew everything. I am pretty wise and intellegent. But she is showing me love, not in a physical sense, but a spiritual, unselfish, unconditional love. This is a love that creates security, and trust, that builds up, that is not just an emotional thrill, but a lasting commitment.

There is probably an element of infatuation here. We haven't known each other THAT long. But that is being replaced with a meaningful commitment that is accompanied by love. I realize I am not the greatest writer, but I hope at least what I am saying is clear.

Well another amazing thing is that her parents and mine as well, seem to be accepting our relationship and it looks as if they will give it their blessing. I always thought that if God wanted us to marry, he would bless it, there should be backing from God, and from our families, and friends. People should see that this is something from God. And it looks as if they are. IT is amazing.

So I have started riding my bicycle around. I want to be a bike commuter as much as possible. I am not dictating to others what to do, but i feel I can save money, get exercise, and have fun at the same time. So why not? Plus I love to cycle, and don't have as much time, so this way I can get some miles in while going to the library and work. There are two things that stand in the way. Rain, and darkness. I put an LED light on the back of the bike, it will flash and along with some reflectors, keep me from gettting hit by a car. And the rain? Well if it is raining I won't leave on the bike, but if I get caught in the rain, oh well. It could be worse. Lets hope I continue this for some time.

Today I feel a little better about my girl. I think I was just overreacting to what happened yesterday. I wish I didn't say some of the stuff on this blog, that I did say. But it is out there, and I always tell her that once you say something, let it out. That way we will learn discretion.

The thing that really showed me what she means to me, is the card she sent me. And some of the things she has said to me. She even showed me her journal, revealing the most intimate thoughts about me. How much she loved me, and how I was the one. Incredibly flattering, but I just can't believe someone having the ability to open up like that. I could never do that, it would leave me open to being hurt. I mean, what if someone knew your every thought? You would be at their mercy, they could destroy you. This shows how much she does care for me, and how she trusts me. You cannot find people like this, who completely disregard their defense mechanisms. I need to do that with her. It will take time but it will happen.

Tonight was tough. I told my mom, that I wanted to know if she should come and visit. Mom was wavering a bit. But then she finally said, I have a major exam coming up and I should concentrate on that. Then afterwards I could have her visit. So it wasn't no, it was not yet. I was so upset. But what to do, I am supposed to submit to authority. I am supposed to follow their wishes. Of course, it was their wishes for us to meet, they arranged it. But I guess even in the timing, I have to submit. It was tough to take, I felt like crying. But I didn't.

I called her up and told her. She took it well. She must be pretty strong. Although she was a little bothered cause one of her friends had said that what we were doing was sneaking around and that was supposedly wrong on our part. So I guess she was wondering if her friend was wrong. I still don't know if she was hiding her emotions or what. But my sense is that this woman is one tough cookie. When I expect her to be shattered, to break down she shows resoluteness, and strength. And yet other times, she weeps and cries and seems so tender. So far she has been pretty tender with me. But I wonder. I guess we are all pretty complex, and to be honest I am getting to know her. Our honesty with each other has helped a lot. And when we are together (which is what counts), things are quite straightforward. i can read her, so that is good (and she can read me, i told her how to!). One thing is that I am pretty cautious and wary. That can be bad, but I see so many good things in her. I have so many flaws, and yet she overlooks them.

Another thing is that she has a focus, an ablility to concentrate on things. She is really intelligent. And coupled with this ability to concentrate, I think she can do quite a bit with herself. She has lots of potential. She just needs some stability (ME!), in order to figure herself out. She needs to know where she is supposed to go in life. She is at a crossroad, there are lots of problems in her life, lots of uncertainties. My life, on the other hand is fixed. The future is set, there is no turning back, no wavering, as to where I am going and what I am supposed to do. That matches my conservative personality. On her side though is that complete uncertainty. I guess you can call it living by faith. It is too much for her at times, but it is amazing that she can live that way. She literally is waiting for God to speak to her so she knows what to do. That is an amazing way to live, entirely by faith. By not making plans, she lets God take over and provide. Sometimes, she has to come to a standstill, but other times, absolute miracles occur. I know, I see them.

This is a very special woman. I am thrilled to have her in my life, and look forward to spending the rest of my life with her.

Well, I hope we get to meet this weekend. I hope that my parents will agree to this. I am telling my friends and they are pretty happy. It will be rough, as far as not knowing what will happen, and how people react. But if we are happy, I hope they can see that and they can understand that this is going to work out for the better. The problem, if there is any, will be the parents on both sides. Everyone else seems pretty happy. Of course, this is no guarantee that things will go smoothly, but at least it helps. And there should also be a solid committment to back up the emotions. So when the emotions are gone there should be something left to stand on. We have things to stand on, similarities, like our faith in God, our similar cultures, our similar interests. These will cause us to have a friendship, which will be good.

She did apologize. A wonderful heartfelt apology. It means a lot to me, because it kind of validates why I feel this way. I now need to reciprocate, and tell her that is ok. I am certain I will make mistakes. One thing that I really like about her is that you can see where she stands, there are no hidden grudges or feelings. It seems to me that things just come out and we can deal with them. Which is good, things get dealt with and it is over. That is wonderful. As for myself, I am not sure, but I don't hold grudges, I think though it is difficult because we have to settle things from a distance and say sorry over the phone and through email.

She did apologize. A wonderful heartfelt apology. It means a lot to me, because it kind of validates why I feel this way. I now need to reciprocate, and tell her that is ok. I am certain I will make mistakes. One thing that I really like about her is that you can see where she stands, there are no hidden grudges or feelings. It seems to me that things just come out and we can deal with them. Which is good, things get dealt with and it is over. That is wonderful. As for myself, I am not sure, but I don't hold grudges, I think though it is difficult because we have to settle things from a distance and say sorry over the phone and through email.

Well I guess things are back to normal, almost. But I do feel really hurt. Deep down inside. It has nothing to do with what we argued about. But it has to do with the fact that I didn't feel that love that I thought was there. Or maybe the fact that it disappeared so quickly. I thought love was supposed to "never cease." I am equally guilty, because my love is supposed to overlook imperfections and faults. I am not doing that.

It is easy to say that you love someone unconditionally, but so hard to put in practice. I need to do that. I think I can. But it doesn't mean that you have to be a doormat. Love can and should be tough at times. I guess combining the two can be a challenge.

So what can I learn from this. One thing is that she does get upset and forgets it pretty rapidly. On the other hand, I tend to get hurt and keep it inside and it does affect me. At what point does it become a grudge? At what point is it human nature, is that natural, is it normal? I think the litmus test is do I love her with all my heart?

We had our first fight. She wanted to talk to an ex. Email, phone or even visit him. I obviously didn't think it would be an ok idea. I think at this point we could have worked something out. But I was feeling jealous, and insecure, and she was feeling that I was trying to control her and take over her life. At that point it could have been resolved. We could have taken it to a third party. Her pastor, or a friend. We could have said lets think about how to handle it and decide what to do later, when our emotions cool down. This is why when we are emotional we should never make big decisions. Because we can't think when we are emotional, at least we can't think straight. (This is why the girls say about clothing, "WHAT was she THINKING when she bought THAT!" and why we pay too much for automobiles). But the argument was not about "we" it was about MY feelings and HER independence.

It is amazing that 24 hours before, we were in heaven. Things couldn't have been better! It WAS an absolute dream come true. So what happens when it comes crashing down like that? Why does it happen? How can it? It is because of our nature. The laws of physics say that things tend to go into disorder. It is true everywhere, from my room, to relationships, to supermodels. You can try botox, or surgery, but in the end we will all grow old, and fall apart. Things come to an end. It is inevitable. Relationships can be fixed, but lots of times people stay in them for the kids, or comfort or just being afraid of being alone. What is the point of it all? I guess this is why I believe in God. It would all be meaningless without God. With God there can be healing, there is a reason things happen, and you draw closer. I know it can happen without God, but it feels so much more special when He is the reason.

Anyhow, we managed to patch things up. When you have a clear conscience, the slightest wrong will disturb you. But it is crucial to listen to that conscience. We did listen and things are like new again. We just said sorry, and each of us yielded to the other. The trick is to put each other ahead of ourselves. So scary yet so effective. It needs a lot of trust.

The joy of Reconciliation is one of the most wonderful human emotions. To be apart and away, and then to come back just fills one with joy. I feel that way now, after that argument, just to know that we are back where we were before. There is a hint of heaviness, knowing how things rapidly disintegrated. We thought this was something amazing, yet, if so, why did it disappear so fast? I guess it didn't, we just had a moment of separation. But things are fine now.

Just don't ask me what will happen to that ex. But this is only my view, I guess there are other views to hear, especially hers.

Well, I thought that I should tell my parents and see what they said about getting married. First of all we thought we shouldn't meet on Sunday, and we should talk to our respective authority figures about this. Then see what happens. But, I woke up late and missed church. So I called her, and she was supposed to have a full day visiting friends, and church people. Well I left a couple of messages, and was getting ready to leave and then, someone called and hung up. I called her back and we quickly decided to meet. So I went up there and the day turned into evening, and we spent precious moments together. It was beautiful. We talked, ate Indian food (the first time together), and sang to each other. When I left we both had a feeling of contentment, and peace. Knowing that we were meant for each other, we had this wonderful sense of security and love. Well, I hope that things go well with our parents, especially mine.

The first time I met her, it was in a friends house. I was told that someone would be there who I should meet. It was a baby shower and I was supposed to bring the food. So I went to the caterers and got the food and came there, not really expecting much. Actually I wasn't even thinking at all, because at the time I wasn't going to church, and the girl I was supposed to meet was in a Bible seminary. I was not expecting anything at all, to be honest. Well, she showed up with her parents, and I was standing in the foyer along with the rest of my family. She was dressed well, and did not make any eye contact. She looked as if she did not want to be there. I met her parents, just said hi, and then her parents left. So, my mom's friend tried to get us into the kitchen so we could talk. So I was talking to her, and kind of looking at her, and then I could see, all of a sudden she was not interested at all. Talk about getting the cold shoulder. I immediately got the hint. So I tried to say a few other things, and then I just went to the other room. She may have started talking to someone else, I don't remember.

Later on, we got a chance to talk some more. She was speaking so softly, I could barely hear her. We talked about lots of things, but the thing that impressed me was that she was real. I was tired of all the fake people. People who were trying to be "someone." Trying to be fashionable, trying to be rich, trying to be religious, accepted, popular, cool, or other things. I figured out that she was in the seminary because she wanted to be. And she liked music. And I later found out, from her, that she used to run track in high school and was interested in running a marathon. Just like me. She was also attractive. For some reason, I liked her mouth, and her smile. Her smile was a half-smile, just barely showing her teeth. And her mouth, kind of curved up at the corners, in a perpetual smile, almost. I also noticed she had lots of energy, she would fidget now and then, and sometimes, when she was talking, she would move her body in a way that suggested she was very passionate about what she believed. So she WAS real.

There were some chocolate covered strawberries on the desert table, and I told her to try one. She said that she didn't know how to eat them. I told her just to take a small bite at a time. If I was in the same situation, I would not have even tried the strawberry, nor would I have admitted not knowing how to eat a strawberry. Although I didn't know it at the time, this showed me innocence and honesty, and a willingness to try.

Well, today I am depressed. I don't know why. I guess one reason is that I left a message on her phone, and she said I was "whiny." She said I should be strong. I can be at times, and I guess other times I am whiny. But that is me, I was just feeling kinda down missing her, and I left this message. I am definitely not happy and perky all the time. I get pensive and quiet and sad, at times. Things do bother me. What can I say?

Another thing is that we have gotten into the habit of confessing certain things to one another. Well, ok, confessing past sins. So I guess they have had a hold on me, even though they were long ago and I thought they were over. I needed to repent, and ask forgiveness of God. So I did, and I guess thinking about all the things I have done wrong, really made me upset. I shouldn't be, because they are forgiven now. So maybe that is not a reason I am upset.

I always told my friends who were depressed, that when they are, they are being selfish. They are always thinking of their own feelings. Well I guess it is time to take my own advice. I am being selfish. Jesus talks about the greatest type of love and He says this, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13) So this kind of love is all about giving. There is no selfishness here. It is truly about thinking about the other persons involved. I need to do this. But it is scary. It involves taking major MAJOR risks. What if the other person doesn't love back as much? What if not at all? But it is the right thing to do, no matter how hard, I have to try to take the focus off my feelings and think of hers.

Well I feel a little better. There I go again about my feelings. :) The tough part will not be saying anything to her when I do talk to her. I will have to keep it quiet, let her see this on her own. I guess that would be the best thing, now lets see if I am strong enough to do that. So am I whiny or strong? Time will tell...I will let you know!

So it was her alternator, and we had to call the shop that fixed it in another state, they faxed me the receipt and the part was covered by the warranty. And the total dropped from $350 to $50. And they said there was a chance that the labor was going to be covered. It was really amazing, and a sign that God was watching over her. Those garages can cheat and here was a single woman, alone, and they didn't. Next to lawyers, I have to put the automechanics. I have been ripped off by them so many times. And the women in my family as well. So either this is coincidence, or there is a God.

We did meet halfway or so that day. At the coffee shop, off the highway. We went to an inexpensive lunch place even though she wanted to go to a fancy restaurant. I am terrible shy of new places and just didn't feel comfortable, so we ended up going to one of those chain restaurants. Not memorable at all. Especially the food. She let me know she didn't like her food, even though she picked it out. After that we went to a place on the banks of a river where they had a bridge and a tourist train station which was closed. We walked among the trains, just the two of us. On an empty train platform. If there were hundreds of people there we would still be oblivious to them. The moments we spent there will be remembered for a lifetime.

The whole plan of us meeting was to spend at least some of the day at church. It was Easter Sunday, and we feel that God has brought us together. So she had done a Internet search and came up with five churches which all were about halfway between us. I called them starting from the first one. Each church did not answer or they didn't have an evening service. If there were no services we would not meet. Finally, the last church did have an evening prayer meeting/Bible study. So Pastor Matt, a jovial, friendly voice, gave me the directions. So after our time at the river, we went to the church. We drove in and saw a family in a minivan. They immediately smiled at us. All the anxiety we felt, well ok, all the anxiety I felt, disappeared. Well, lessened, to be precise. We walked in and met Pastor Mat and all the other people. It was somewhat traditional, a Baptist church, yet the people were real. They were warm and friendly. Everyone was admiring her beauty, her magnetism. But it was a wonderful time. We will go back again.

Around the time we were at the park, I noticed a red light on the dashboard. We were driving her car. And as I was driving this light came on. I figured that it might be an electrical thing. She had replaced the alternator a few months ago. So what else could it be? So I just thought we could show it to a mechanic, just to be on the safe side. But then again it was Easter Sunday. So I just let it go. I thought of following her home and then driving home, but I guess neither of us thought that would be a good idea.

So we had dinner at another chain restaurant. It was nice, comfortable, secure, familiar. Why take risks?

Then she left. I drove straight to the library. After studying for a bit, I called her up thinking she might be home. She wasn't. Then I called again. Not home. After a few more calls, I was worried. I thought I better go home and call--and see what happened. I thought of calling her sister or some of her friends and trying to see what happened. But...I didn't know what to do.

I was thinking, maybe she was in an accident. Maybe an eighteen-wheeler hit her economy car. Maybe that was the first and last church service we would go to. I wasn't thinking what prevented her from reaching home, other than that it must be bad. And blaming myself for not following her home.

I decided to check my email. There was an email from her. The car had broken down 30 minutes from her home, the police stopped, got a tow truck and had it towed to a garage. The tow truck driver took her to yet another chain restaurant and her friend picked her up and there she was at her friends house. I called her friends cell phone. If you didn't know this by now, neither of us have a cell phone. So it looked as if it was her alternator. The one that was fixed a few months ago...January to be exact.

I guess we will start from today and then flashback to when we met and other things. But I think that we might meet on Sunday. I am not sure if I will have a reliable car, so it might be an adventure. Well we live quite a few hours apart so we will meet halfway on Easter Sunday....