The Preacher Speaks

The preacher that baptized me lives in New York. I decided to go and ask him for advice. I told my parents that I was going. I drove into the city and arrived about 15 minutes late. We went for a walk along the Hudson River, and started talking. He was wearing sunglasses and I could not make eye contact. This threw me off a bit and I was a little hesitant at the beginning. That and also the fact that we were walking and talking. Eventually we sat down and spoke at length about the whole situation.

I started out saying that I had not been going to church and that my parents had numerous problems in arranging the other marriages in our family. He knew that and was familiar with our problems (he officiated the ceremonies for both my sister's marriages). I then told him about my beloved, and how she was from a Hindu family and how her mother abused her (most of it verbal) as a child and after she came to know Jesus as her Saviour. I told how she sang, and was an athelete, and how I felt that we had so much in common. I mentioned that she was attractive. And how all the other Indian women I met were just so dull and boring. He recognized this and said that I was also an American.

I proceeded to tell the whole story and about our meeting on Memorial day weekend, and our time in India. I mentioned how we went to villages and I had the chance to use the guitar that he gave me in the villages. How I ministered in the villages, medically, and how I helped people. And how she did.

He asked me why did the second meeting go wrong? Why were things going bad? I told him that we were meeting secretly, and our familiarity with each other, was viewed by my mom that she was not a "decent" girl.

He said I was to blame for doing things in the darkness, the secret meetings and the time in India. He said if I had been open about things this may have not happened. He also laughed when I told him that my parents wanted me to meet a doctor in India, as a prospective match. He knows what goes on in our house. My sister's near marriage, cancellation and then once again the marriage "set him back at least two years." He told me I need to pass my exams and then things would be ok. I needed to sit down with my parents, admit my faults and my sins, and then tell them that I would email her and bcc them, or talk once a week or whatever they wanted. I agreed. He also told me to "stand my ground." He meant that if I felt strongly about this, I should not back off. This was surprising. He also defended her regarding her "calling." He said many people, including himself and probably my father, had a full-time calling, but never went. He said this is very common. As long as she was willing to submit to her husband (me) things would be fine. He also said she should get as far away from her pastor as possible (well now, the ex-pastor). Finally, he mentioned how there might be problems because of her abusive background. I think he mentioned this because of what my parents would be afraid of. He said that God could change not only my parents' heart regarding this marriage, but also God could heal her of her abusive background. It was at this moment I wanted to say something about my past, but I hesitated. I felt that I had already told him that I wasn't going to church and that I had stayed in a hotel room with an unmarried girl, I couldn't go deeper than this. Perhaps one day, but it would have to be with someone I truly trusted. It would have to be with someone that I had a deep relationship with.

In closing he mentioned that there was plenty of ministry in New York among Indians. This was an indirect reference to her calling to minister to Indians. He also told me that I should consider moving to New York for the rest of my training. He said everyone he talks to in my area is struggling spiritually, including my parents.

Out of all this I got a non-commital answer to my problem. My initial reaction when leaving was that it was a waste of time. As I though more and remembered some of his reactions, I realized that he was on our side! He really let some things out that showed his support. Nothing monumental, but something significant.

I came home and was at peace and ready for whatever happened. After my parents fell asleep I called her, and my mom came down and saw that I was on the phone with her. She yelled at me to hang up and stop talking to the girl immediately. I was so irritated. I told them that if they are going to try and control who I talk to and when, I was going to move out. I am seriously considering that. Seriously. If I move out I think I will move closer to my girl, and hopefully our relationship can grow. I am prepared for that and I feel that will be the best thing for me.

I will pray and seek God's guidance about this.

I do love her and hope that she will be with me, and support me through all this. She almost seems non-commital. But I have faith that God is doing all this, and she is a child of God, and she will submit to me and she will love me. I have seen the depth of her love, of our love, and I long for that minus the minor problems we have. God has lots in store, I can't wait!

Submitting and loving

The Bible clearly states that women should submit to their husbands and men should love their wives. The relationship is compared to the Church and Jesus Christ.

The Bible says that wives should submit to their husbands and husbands should love their wives:
22Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it"
Ephesians 5

This is not an easy thing to do, how can a man accept a submissive woman without exercising power or dominance over her? How can a woman submit without feeling a loss of control? The secret is that both should be submitted to the Lord Jesus Christ. Only then can it work. I saw the following on the Bible.com website:

"What is the definition of submission? It is yielding to another's desires without resistance. Submission to another's wishes is an attitude of the heart done willingly, while surrender is yielding by being forced to do so. Our first submission should be unto the Lord. "Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind'' (Matthew 22:37). God never forces someone to follow Him nor does He want us to be forced to follow or yield to another human being. He wants us to lovingly submit to Him and to each other. However, because of the evil in some men's hearts a person under their authority can be abusive and a submissive person can be asked to do things that they do not believe is right. That is why the Bible also gives perimeters to submission. There are Scriptures that give us a guideline as to how far any human being is to submit to another. We need to understand the proper role of submission in marriage so that our homes will be harmonious and free of contention.

The Bible teaches that, in the Spirit, women are equal with men, and each must submit unto Jesus as their spiritual head. In the flesh, in the marriage relationship, women are to be subject to their husband's headship."
(http://www.bible.com/answers/asubmit.html)

The point of all this is that we had an argument. I was calling her too often, and she wanted her space. She said she is independent and not used to being dependent. To be fair she had a tough weekend. It started with someone slandering her, to the women in her Bible study. That was followed by her former church struggling because many people had decided to leave the church. Anyhow one thing led to another and she broke up with me. I wrote her an email saying that I respected her decision, but that I felt that this was still the will of God, and that I would proceed in faith. I was supposed to get counsel from some people regarding our marriage, and I went ahead with making arrangements towards that end. I also agreed that when I called her Sunday night I was too combative and that I should have been more sensitive to her needs, and feelings, since she went through a lot over the past few days.

By the time we spoke the next day, things were fine, and we got back together. I understand that she has had a tough time with people that love her. They show love and she returns that love and then gets rejected in a harsh way. This is why she is struggling in this relationship, because she is afraid of the hurt. That has already happened numerous times. Not that it is entirely my fault, but it happened. So what do I have to do? I have to show her more love and just demonstrate love under all circumstances.

When she says things, I take them literally, on the other hand, she says things and can change her mind pretty quickly. So I have to be patient, and wait things out. I realize that she is struggling with her past and she will eventually commit herself completely to me and then things will be ok.

I can see how much she loves me. She doesn't know that one word from her, one tender word, can just melt me. When I called her, I was expecting a battle, yet she just said hello and was soooooo nice to me. We talked and it was just a wonderful time of learning about each other. She is going to be my wife, and I couldn't be more thrilled. I just love being able to be completely honest with her. Perhaps God has other plans, but right now I feel that she is the one for me, and if God wants something else, I will go that way...can't rule anything out.

I also like the fact that she is not stubborn. I mean she doesn't hold grudges, the next day things were ok. We need to resolve things, but it is hard when we aren't even supposed to meet each other, how can we go to people and get advice? I pray that God will help things to go well. I pray I will prove to her that I can be the leader that we need in this relationship.

I woke up today and asked my dad if I could visit her. He said (gasp!), yes. So I went up to visit her. She was talking to a counselor at her new church. I went in and got to meet the counselor, and spoke for a bit. It was a nice big church, seemed to be good. Much better than her previous church. In my opinion. Actually, as long as she stays here at the present church for awhile, I think it will be good. Then if she goes back to whatever church that is fine. But I feel we should be willing to try different churches out to see what fits us and where we fit in.

We then went to...Friendly's and had a nice meal and I informed her about the Weapons of Mass Destruction. If I keep eating as well as I have, I will soon be a WMD. I explained which countries had nuclear weapons, and about the Kurds, and North Koreans. Surprisingly, she listened and found it interesting. That is a huge turn on. That makes me excited.

Oddly enough, she was not herself. And I felt strange. And she then started to point out a few of my faults. I was somewhat upset, and she had to work at 5:30 pm, so I left to go home. By the time I got home, my parents were up and the whole argument started again. Although this time it seemed to be a bit more restrained than usual. The arguments were exactly the same. They are still not disputing that it is God's will, although my dad did say he thought there was a "question mark" regarding it. So I left very upset, and sat down at the computer, and was watching the Yankees. Then she called and hung up. So I called her back and told her I would call her in one hour. I lifted weights and ran a mile. There was a skunk in the shadows of my normal route, so I ran it backwards and fortunately the skunk was gone by the time I got back. I had to run peering at every shadow, cause I am terrified of getting sprayed by a skunk. But hey, maybe my parents would let me stay with her at her place! She wouldn't want me either, not if I smelled like a skunk.

Anyhow I called her back and we talked and talked. I got her to understand how I was hurt, and I explained to her that PERHAPS because she has been in some difficult relationships in the past, that she is resisting getting close to me. She was mulling it over, even as we hung up. It may not be true but it is relevant, and will help us to understand human behavior, if not our own.

We ended up closer and more intimate with each other than in a long time. It was a blessed time. It shows me how special she is, and what a wonderful wife she will make. It is all about love and understanding. I was ready to give up and hang up the phone, but she was patient and we are reconciled again.

We are talking again. This is not necessarily bad. We have gotten closer to the Lord and we have spent some time apart. But we both had some circumstances where we have decided to speak. I think in a day or two we should both be fine. When that happens, we will take two weeks to seek God's will. As we spoke on the phone today, we read 1 Samuel 1, and prayed and then read a day's portion of "Homily" by F.B. Meyer who was a 19th century English preacher.

In this reading, we received yet another confirmation that our being together is God's will. One thing mentioned was that when we feel something is God's will, we should follow it. If it grows and leads to greater peace that is an indication of God's will. This is certainly true for us. We have followed our relationship and have seen the peace and the joy and happiness it has brought us. Meyer also states that gifts and the drift of our circumstances also will concur with God's call. This has certainly been true with us. As we see our common interests and passions, it shows us the will of God. We both run and have similar backgrounds. Also our musical abilities and our intellect all seem to match. We have also been placed together by certain circumstances, not only by our parents agreeing to the arranged marriage ides (at least initially), but by God placing us in the same city in India at the same time. Also by her lost passport, it surely shows a sign from God. Finally the third way we can know God's will, according to F. B. Meyer, is by the effect it has on us. Both of us have drawn closer to the Lord. We also have been humbled (as you can see by my last post!). We have experienced the Lord in a real and unique way, together!

If Meyer knows what he is talking about, then it would be really wrong to end the relationship, and not to follow God's will. The only circumstance we should let that happen is if God tells us to take some time off (which we will do--two weeks), or if God tells us no. But all indications are that He is not saying that at all. So we should stay together, not doing so would be disobeying the will of God. And at the same time, I cannot go and see other matches to please my parents, because by doing so, that would be disobeying God. I can, if circumstances warrant, take time away from her, or seek counsel from others. But this is the most I can do. Meanwhile we will pray and ask God His Will (He is answering our prayers regarding that--after only one day of fasting!) and ask God for His perfect timing in bringing us together.

Following is the text of F.B. Meyer' talk on God's Will.

"And the Lord came, and stood, and called as at other times, Samuel, Samuel! 1 Sam. iii. 1

SEE the urgency of God! Four times He came, and stood, and called. Mark how He stands at the door to knock. At first He was content to call the lad once by name; but after three unsuccessful attempts to attract him to Himself, He uttered the name twice, with strong urgency in the appeal, Samuel! Samuel! This has been called God's double knock. There are seven or eight of these double knocks in Scripture: Simon, Simon; Saul, Saul; Abraham, Abraham.

How may we be sure of a Divine call?

We may know God's call when it grows in intensity. If an impression comes into your soul, and you are not quite sure of its origin, pray over it; above all, act on it so far as possible, follow in the direction in which it leads and as you lift up your soul before God, it will wax or wane. If it wanes at all, abandon it. If it waxes follow it, though all hell attempt to stay you.

We may test God's call by the assistance of godly friends. The aged Eli perceived that the Lord had called the child, and gave him good advice as to the manner in which he should respond to it. Our special gifts and the drift of our circumstances will also assuredly concur in one of God's calls.

We may test God's call by its effect on us.
Does it lead to self denial? Does it induce us to leave the comfortable bed and step into the cold? Does it drive us forth to minister to others? Does it make us more unseIfish, loving, tender, modest, humble! Whatever is to the humbling of our pride, and the glory of God, may be truly deemed God's call. Be quick to respond, and fearlessly deliver the message the Lord has given you."

http://www.ccel.org/m/meyer/homily/homily.htm

I know, it is early still only August 15. I made it to August 14th, up till then I was struggling. I had some rough moments at work. That, along with not being able to speak to her, not talking to my parents, left me pretty miserable. I was wallowing in self-pity. :-) I can smile about it now. August 14th was the sixth-month anniversary of us meeting. So I called her up. She forgot that it was that date. :-( I then proceeded to tell her how upset I was and how depressed I was. But instead of getting sympathy, she said that I was full of pride. That was tough to take. But I asked her to tell me how I was full of pride. I mean I wanted to scream out in anger, "I am not full of pride!" But that would almost be proof that I was! I was hurting and all I wanted to hear was comforting words from her mouth. The problem was that I hadn't sought counsel and advice from other Christians. Well, she was right. But I had tried, I had called/emailed at least two people and I tried to go to church to meet the senior pastor, but he was on vacation. And the people I tried to get in touch with, just didn't contact me back. I agree with her that I keep to myself. I don't think that in general I am prideful. But in this case emotionally, perhaps I am. The reason is I don't want to look weak in front of others. I am deathly afraid of showing vulnerability. I can't meet people and see their faces and have them know that I failed my exam. So I shut myself in a shell. I keep away from others. She also said that I can't say that I won't change. I realize that it is not healthy, to be anti-social. Maybe she sees that in me. But it is very tough to have someone nine years younger tell you these faults. It is tougher to admit it. I think that she is correct. I also think that there are other things simultaneously happening. I think there is also insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy. And these are defense mechanisms to keep myself from getting hurt. I remember once in college, a professor, my advisor, was looking at my transcript. It was after a particularly miserable semester. He looked at it, and told me that I should become a plumber. That hurt, a lot.

I just am looking for her love, and she can criticize and tell me my faults and I will listen. But I just want it to be done in love. I asked her later if she said all of these things in love, and she said that yes she did. I know she loves me. I love her as well. I just am afraid and scared to be in a vulnerable position. I felt like attacking back, looking for some fault of hers and pointing it out. But that is wrong. I need to be humble and accept correction. That is the way of the cross. But I am vulnerable. She knows me so well now, that she can hurt me so deeply. I just pray that she won't do that. I hope I can show her my heart, and my love to her, and that she is helping me to grow spiritually and in ways that I haven't thought I need to grow. I never have had someone point this out in me. She is either very perceptive and intelligent, or perhaps God is revealing some things to her. I think it is a bit of both. She is really intelligent. I am happy about that.

I am also afraid of rejection. Perhaps that is pride as well. Well this will give us lots to talk about come September first. I really wanted to call her and share things with her. But I will wait. I will spend this time learning about the dangers of pride, and examining myself. I do need to grow spiritually and I think I need to do that before I marry her. I think God will make things clear to me over these next few weeks.

yes, we are taking a break. this has been a difficult battle for me, i agree that my heart and decision-making capabilities thus far have been far from anything stable, and i don't blame him for being a little confused and frustrated, but this time, i truly feel God working as a result of our decision already. a lot of things are happening, and i feel that He is going to show us things and deal with us in ways that would never have been possible had this break not occured.

i know that i am in desparate need of healing. now i am forced to face God about all the issues at hand. it is not easy, but He is capable of dealing with even the most stubborn of hearts (mine) and the pain will be well worth the end result.

let the healing, and the emerging of truth begin.

Hiatus


Today I asked my parents if I could visit her. They wouldn't allow it and everything started over again. So I called her and thought she would be disappointed. She wasn't. She still had faith. I am just numb, depressed, and angry. Most of it is directed at my parents, the anger, that is. She asked me where is my faith? I don't know where it is. Is this the will of God? I thought so. I still do. I told my parents that I gave up the will of God for their happiness. That didn't seem to bother them at all. I guess that shows what they think of my spiritual life.

So she said that perhaps we should take a break. No contact at all until September 1st. I told myself if she asked for a break one more time, I would make her take it. So, I agreed. Grudgingly at first, but on further thought, I suppose it would be a good idea. Let us pray. Let us seek the will of God. Let us see what God has in store. It really can't hurt, and it is going nowhere right now. Some people have given us counsel that we should take a break, and so we will. I still think it is wrong for us to end it, but we haven't. We have just said that we will take a break. I have told her, as my parents wished, that I won't marry her. But I can't stop loving her. That is not possible. Not right now. So I will even stop this blog until September 1st, so that even this can't be a form of communication. This is very tough, and whatever God has for me, I will accept. If God wants us to get married, He has to change my parents minds. If not, I don't know what I will do. I suppose another thing I have to do is start talking to my parents, part of the reason I am not is anger, and the other part is hurt. They have hurt me deeply at a critical stage in my life. It is hard to forgive, and maybe that is what I need to do in order for God to give me back the love of my life. So let's see what happens on September 1st.

See you then.

Strong and sweet

I was really down. I was tired of the emotional free-falls. One day
we were fine, and the next, she wanted a break. Today I decided that
if she asked for it again, I would give it to her. She wanted it
really because that was my parents wish. But far inside, she loved me
and knew how difficult it would be. I guess, I hope that is how she
feels inside. But why take a break? Because it will prove if it was
meant to be. I am willing to do that. Right now I will do anything.
I can see that my fears of never having her back are false. We love
each other, and are destined to be together. And no matter how bad
things are one of us gives in, and softens up. It was miraculous
today, she got a letter from a friend that was presumptuous, and
hurtful. So she needed me. I was there for her, at least to listen to
her.

So no break, as of today. And the bitterness has been washed away by
her innocence and sweetness and her strength.

Still in Love

She wanted to take a break. Still. I finally agreed. I was angry.
She was criticizing me and upset and complaining about me. I said,
"Fine, you want to take a break? Well go ahead!" I even gave her
permission to go and find other men, I told her to go and see what
else is out there. We were laying the ground rules, and I could
clearly see that she wasn't willing. So I said, "forget it." Up to
that point I was willing to do it mutually. But when I saw that she
wasn't willing, I thought, why should we force ourselves to do
something that we both don't want to do. Why should we force
ourselves to do something that God doesn't want us to do? So we
decided not to take the break.

I am different. More forceful and more determined. I just think that
no one understands the issue like I do. Perhaps my sisters do. That
is all. I know the issue and everyone who is giving "counsel" doesn't
have a clue. They don't. I am not saying that what they say is not
helpful. But they need to see the root of the problem. What I plan
on doing is talking to several people who know my family. And take
counsel from them. Because the whole thing is based on my family.
Second thing is that I want to be confident in the will of God. If I
stand firm, perhaps that is not wrong. I really don't know, but from
what I see it is God's will. I am just not sure how to handle it.
Time will tell if I made the right decision, but it is clear she can't
live without me. (I can't live without her, but I will never admit
it!). I have to take care of her, and I need her in my life. I will
fight for her, and protect her.

Finally, it is clear that she loves me. That is the honest fact and
the truth. That is the basis, and there is really no problem with our
relationship. So why should we take a break?

Take a break?

I just don't know what to do. My mom and dad are now happy. Because
I said I would give her up. They just don't care if I am miserable.
They think that I can get over it. Now they are reading the Bible and
praying together. Finally. But if they had done this before this
would have never happened. I just don't want to be a part of it.
How can they behave that way and now...they act as if nothing has
happened. They act as if they are all normal and nothing happened at
all. I just can't believe it.

I know that I am not leading the relationship in the right way. I am
not taking charge and being the leader that I am supposed to be. I
will improve, but I believe in action and not words. So let me show
her how I can be. I can be the man that God wants me to be. At the
same time, my parents don't want me to talk to her. They want me to
end things with her completely. One of the people we spoke to, for
counsel said that we should never put an end to it if we felt it was
surely the will of God. I think that they are right. I am just
waiting for some one else to come in the picture so that we can ask
them the same thing. What should we do? We don't need to take a
break, if so for what reason? So my parents can accept it? It just
doesn't make any sense. Well I told my parents that I would stop
talking to her under two conditions: they would tell the person who is
pending that I said no, and also that they would not look for any
other matches for me. They agreed. I will ask them if they have held
their part of the bargain.

Depression

I just got back from India. I have been there on and off for 6 years
or so. So I can say that I know Indians pretty well. I have noticed
that the frequency of depression is a lot more in the US than in
India. Things are much more bleak there. Why is this so? There are
far fewer people on anti-depressants in India than in the US. I think
part of the reason is the social structure, and the friends and
openness people have in discussing their problems. People are also
much more busy in India, struggling, and also they don't spend much
time in solitude, there are always people surrounding them. Here in
America, there are people who live alone for years without talking to
anyone. They don't mention their problems to anyone and just keep it
locked up inside. Hmmmm. That sounds like me. :)

Today I got up late and I went to my church. The Pastor repeated a
prophetic word from the earlier service. It was Romans chapter 7.
That was the portion that she and I read on our flight back to the US.
This was yet another confirmation of our relationship. I mean the
pastor really stressed Romans 7. He emphasized it. And Romans 8
starts with, "There is no condemnation..." to those in Christ Jesus.
To us it meant that we can have victory over the flesh, and victory
over depression and anything else that is bothering us. The battle
has already been won. I think I can smile now. Well, maybe a little
later.

Yesterday I was reading a thing about using your gifts for God. And
in it was a verse that said, "Enjoy your days with the woman you
love..." This is from Ecclesiastes 9:9. I don't know if that was a
promise from God or not. But it is strange that only in the NIV does
it say woman. In the other translations it says "wife." I just
thought that was worth noting.

Yesterday night I spent some time talking to her. I know she loves
me, and I love her, and I am so content right now. I still miss her,
and it will be really tough not to talk to her. But I guess that will
be good for me. I just wish she missed me as much as I miss her.