Perception and Reality

When things are going well, there aren't many entries in this blog. I have to change that. The tendency is to go to her when I feel great, or to let out all the steam in the blog when we are having problems or not speaking. She is right, this method leads to a skewed perception of how things truly are. I was pretty upset when I wrote that post (The End is Near) but I think if you read what I said it was a lot of feelings. This is why I want the blog to be anonymous, because it is one sided (because I tend to write more often than her), and if people really see this they will get the wrong opinion. It isn't healthy to go outside a relationship with problems, until they are addressed person-to-person. I haven't told anyone about these latest problems. No one on my side knows. And that is fine, because I really don't think it is a crucial matter.

At the time I wrote that last post, I was sick, I was lonely, and down. And I lost it. Instead of knowing that God would work things out--I tried to myself, by making an unfair ultimatum. If I just let go, she would have told me that she was going to end the relationship with him. I didn't give her the chance to. I forced things. Let me give her the credit that since we have met, she has not contacted him once. I think once she replied to his email. But that is how much she respects my feelings. It just goes to show, that compromise and yielding are excellent characteristics to develop in a relationship. That and submitting to God. Otherwise pride steps in and we walk over the other person.

Look darling, you know what I really think about you. How much I love you and how lost I am without you. We have something incredible between us, and it is growing and getting sweeter by the day. I love you dearly...and you know that. I can't wait until the day I can declare it and prove it with my actions!

IN GOD WILL MY HEART BE TRUE

Hello. It is me. The girl. I just wanted to say some things (because I feel that if anyone were to read this, they may just think that I was a mean, thoughtless, flippant girl who has no respect for herself or anyone else-- and that really bothers me).

Okay, first of all, it is NOT like it appears to be concerning my ex. I hate to sound like I am trying to justify my actions, but take it from a girl's perspective, we have this innate ability in our hearts to love others with care and compassion. Especially if that other person has helped us in our lives somehow along the way. So... this person, my ex is yes, somebody i used to really care about, but at the same time, has helped me through an AWFUL LOT. Therefore, I thought it was only fair to not totally write him off, especially when he has done a lot for me. I thought I would simply give him a call. Perhaps it may be perceived as questionable of me to do so, but is it fair to rush to judgement while not knowing the entire story? I think so. Did i still have feelings for him? No. Was I afraid that I might? Maybe, but I knew very well that it was over between us a long time ago, and that was revealed to me by God before I ever MET the other person. Plus, even while talking to him, rushing back to my memory were all the reasons why it was a toilsome, difficult relationship with no true heart connection because we were simply too different. And all this realization had even occurred long before I even met the other person.

Therefore, it is over between us... God said no a long time ago. And what He says goes... No questions asked. So when I called to talk to him, literally, it was like a 7-minute conversation highlighting important events of our lives with no details, no emotions, and no real personal interaction between us besides just the formal "how is..." questions.

So when the other one heard this, he freaked out. I guess it was expected. I should have known better. Although somehow I had really hoped that the laid-back reaction he gave when I told him was true, I learned quickly that he was still lurking about in his old self's less-than-peaceful-minded ways pertaining to ex-boyfriends, thinking the worst and fearing the worst. I wish he would trust me.

So... am I an unfaithful, unloyal and ungrateful fickle-minded two-timer? I don't think so. I am faithful to God, and I haven't left that faith yet. With that, I do not plan on doing things that are questionable, immoral or undevoted. You must remember that as long as I stay true to Him, He will not let me go astray. Only He has the power to keep and lead me. Please believe that.

gotta go,
me

Page Turner

We spoke yesterday and she said she wanted to write a book. I told her that I would take a photograph of her for her book, but she said she wanted it to be anonymous. I suggested Page Turner...haha..as the pen name. She laughed. Of course, I support her, in all she does. She has been through a lot (I hate using cliches), if she saw Christianity in reverse she might have never became a believer. By that I mean, if she started now, and went back in time, day by day, by the time she got to the place where she accepted Christ--she might have serious reservations. In Luke 14 Jesus says that we should count the cost before we do something. He also says that we are to take up our cross, and by that most would agree that means to endure, to persevere, especially when it is for our faith in Him. So if my darling were to go back...she would have second thoughts but knowing the truth and God's love--well none of us can deny that.

Today I got up and called my friend, to go to church with him. His brother was in town and he couldn't make it. So I fell asleep again, and then when I awoke church was in session for 30 minutes. I got up, slowly got ready, just saying to myself, what is the use...just stay home. And even when I was driving there, at that point one hour late, I was thinking of turning back. Now, my church is a lively place, and no one even notices people coming in and out. But the pastor was continuing his messages on the Lord's Prayer, and today was the part Give us this day our daily bread.

While I was driving to church, I realized how unwilling I was to go to church. The reason was that since I was late, I was feeling embarrassed. Most Asians, are very aware of other people's perceptions of them. Myself included. I was really dreading what people would think of me. I do that way way too much. It is time to stop. It is time to say who cares! I will worry about what God thinks first and then my girl, and my family, and then others. I am tired of these terrible Hindu customs that have wormed their way into Indian Christian Culture. I think that says a lot, because Christians are one, the same, black, white, Chinese, Indian..etc. We are one as Paul says.

When I got into church I sat in the last pew. I wasn't about to walk up and sit in the front row, that would be showboating...and I at next to someone who had the Visitor's CD from the Church, so I knew it was his first time there, later I got to speak to him and welcome him--so at least this was one good thing I did by coming to church late. The second thing was that the pastor was talking about Psalm 23, and how David says, "He makes me to lie down in green pastures." Now I don't know if the pastor said this, or if I thought it or a combination of the two, but what if we are in the green pastures and we don't know it? How many times does the bible say to wait on the Lord? The pastor did say how we expect too much from God. We demand, we are never satisfied. He then passed aroudn a few loaves of bread from which everyone took a morsel. He also recounted a story when his family were missionaries to South America. Their canoe with ALL their supplies capsized. They were stuck eating bananas for a long, long time. That is it. Just bananas. How fortunate are we? How fortunate am I? To be in this situation, with a beautiful (and she most certainly is) woman who loves me. And to be on the cusp of being a doctor, to be able to choose wealth and prestige (I think that God is heading me down some other path though!), or to be in a position where I can help so many people. He has given me intelligence, lots and lots of it, but I squander it by not being disciplined. He has given me every opportunity and gift--and I don't use them, not even for His glory. Lord, please change me...wait, change that...it is now up to me Lord. To further your kingdom, to have an impact for your glory. I need to change. I need to take up my cross, and realize that you have the best for me. And that by being obedient to you, you will be able to use me mightily. Maybe only in my family, but maybe outside as well..

I have been reading this girl's blog. I was just hitting that "next blog" button the the top right of the blogger pages. And I came upon hers. She is single, and just getting over a broken relationship. But the amazing thing is that she gets it. She knows that her first priority is Christ. And once things are taken care of spiritually, our wants and desires and priorities change. I have seen that with myself and my girl. How much we have grown spiritually in this battle with my parents. We have struggled, lost our tempers, have done our share of hating, and have hurted. But now, looking back, I am so much closer to my Lord. I am slowly showing my family how Christ lives in me. And she is so full of love, she is dying to herself. When two people are commited to the Lord, then success in marriage is a certainty. We have been completely honest with each other, I thank God for that. We have been blessed.

Resolution

After the last post, sometime in the late night/early morning she called me. We talked a little less animated than before. You know, she was about to agree with how I felt, before I lost my temper and drew my own line in the sand. God was working in her heart as he had been with mine. We ended up talking until about 4:30am. She reluctantly agreed to ending the platonic relationship with her ex, and that she wouldn't bother me about my parents, as they are out of my control and I cannot change their behavior. She did give in and she did call me (usually it is the other way around). Today, I realized how special that was. I also realized how wrong I was. It is not love to make demands. I have plenty of reasons, excuses and defenses for my demanding ultimatums...but I apoligized to her. She accepted my apologies.

I do know her, and she knows me. Even though we weren't talking much, things were really progressing on the spiritual front. We are both maturing as believers. We have peace about each other, although there are real questions if this is truly what God wants us to do. But we will keep seeking God and we have faith that He will change my parents views, or he will enable us to deal with their opposition. Or...he will show us that we are not meant to marry each other. I can truly say at this point, that both of us will be able to walk away (hurting, a little) if God shows us that we are not to marry. It won't be easy, but we will submit to His plan for our lives. Pleasing God is the most important thing in our lives.

I wonder if a non-Christian reads this blog, they would probably have a negative view of us and Christians in general. As Asians (Indians) we are particulary sensitive to other opinions of ourselves. But the point is that belief in Jesus is a journey, we start out a certain way and improve and become better spiritually. I hope some evidence is here showing progress, perhaps not apparent, but if you look deeper maybe you can see some progress.

In summary, we are two Indian Christians (she converted to Christianity from Hinduism four years ago) who were introduced to each other by my Christian parents. It was intended to be an "arranged" marriage, that is in the Indian sense--the parents choosing spouses and the "children" making a final decision. About six months after the initial meeting, my parents were completely against us marrying. At first they had given their approval for us to marry, but a brief time in India, where we spent some time together, and meeting between us without my parents knowlege, along with plenty of slander, gossip, and truth made my parents change. Now we wait...we have received counsel, and have been willing to compromise, to take a break (which we are), to seek God, etc. Now we just wait on God, and trust in Him.

The End is near...(really!)...

I would never start a post this way but right now I have no other choice.

I really don't know where to start. OK cliche number one (got that out of the way). We are on the verge of breaking up. OK we did break up. But we finally agreed to discuss things tomorrow when we are both a little cooler emotionally. So I called her up. Why did I do that? Well, because I miss her. And I wanted some answers. Everytime we speak lately, she tells me all her problems and mine are just not dealt with. And she says crazy things, and doesn't give me a way to respond. She always tries to tell me what to do, and I do it for the most part. It started with me not working on Sundays, and then starting to attend a Bible study, then getting counsel about all kinds of things. She should have realized (and I should have also) that the Holy Spirit will convict, in time.

So I called her. For the same reasons I always call her. Because I miss her, because I think of her, because I love her. Perhaps lately, I have called her for selfish reasons, because I am going through sickness yet again. But I have called her recently with nothing but love on my mind. Just selfless love--I am capable of that. So I called and was in the process of telling her that even though she is not telling me that she loves me, and even though she is not showing any care, that I know that deep down inside she does love me. Then she tells me that she called this Hindu-convert, who is now a Christian. She called him to listen to him and show him support because someone told her to (a pastor). He, of course, is roughly her age. And this Hindu/Christian guy is purely Indian. So I can imagine what he is thinking when a girl calls him up. Especially an American girl. And then his visa is expiring and he has to go back to India unless he gets another job. Of course, if he was to marry an American, his visa status would be secure. In no way am I saying he is thinking this, but I will guarantee that this thought went through his mind. So this got me a little heated. And I brought up her ex-boyfriend. I brought up the fact that I do not like the fact that she always brings him up. She always says that she wants to talk to him. And she knows that bothers me. There is an ex in my life, to be fair. But I was always willing to stop talking to her. I also was completely transparent. In other words, every word that passed between us, my girl knew about and read and saw. And I told her plainly and clearly, at any time, if she wanted me to end speaking to this ex, I would. The reason I was even speaking to the ex, was for that ex's benefit, to ease her on so that she would be able to go on with her life. Of course, I cared for that ex, in a friendly way, but not at all romantically.

The conversation continued. She said that with me talking in "that tone of voice," she felt uncomfortable. I said that I didn't like her talking to the ex and she knew that, and she confessed to me that she always was wondering if she still loved him. Flashback:

She had told me previously that she called him and found out that she didn't love him anymore. When I heard that she did this, I was truly fine. I thought this was over and done with, and he would no longer come up in our conversation. Later on I asked if she was going to call him, and she wouldn't answer but simply said, "Trust me."

So now I brought that up about why she called him and she said that this made her uncomfortable. One thing led to another (yet another horrible cliche--but hey, I think only two other people have read this blog, and no one has complained yet...) and she was saying that she can't be with a person like me. So she was going to "break up with me." We were both pretty heated up by now. Flashback number two:

Previously, when she wanted to call this same ex, I said, "It is either him or me. Take your pick, you call him and I am outta here." She did not like this and went to her counselor at the church and to her friend, and surprise, surprise (I am not rubbing this in, I have and will be wrong plenty of times, but I rarely make stands, and here I am) they agreed with me. That she should not call him. Well she agreed with them at the time and did not call him.

So, in this time when we were taking a break to seek the will of God regarding our relationship, she was calling him to see if the sparks were no longer firing. We were taking a break to see if we were right for each other, and she called him because she was always wondering if she loved him still. She even told me that she loved him, and loved him a lot and if I couldn't handle it then, too bad. Now, she knew that I had a problem with her calling the ex, so she should have had the guts to break up with me and then call him. Then she said that we were apart that we had broken up. But I said then why did you just break up with me today?

I then said lets break up and you can talk to him all you want. Because when I brought this up it made her feel uncomfortable. So we could just break up...

The other thing we talked about, was she had said that "the ball was in my court." As far as the relationship went, the ball was in my court and to her that meant that I was too attached to my parents, and that I needed to show some independence. And that unless my parents accepted her, she would not agree to marrying me. Or I had to move out of my house. Here I am sick, unable to work, on this terrible drug called Remicade, and she wants me to move out? My immune system is weakened, I am at risk to catch tuberculosis and she wants me to move out. The news is filled with the "next" flu pandemic, which I will be exquisitely (don't know if this word fits here, but doesn't it sound good?) susceptible to and she wants me to move out????

Couldn't she just break up with me, and talk to her ex until her heart is satisfied. Or couldn't she say, well, when you are better, when your health is better, then we will worry about us being married. Just get well (how about a card, at the very least...or even say "get well soon," even if you don't mean it) and then we can see what happens then. Instead she draws a line, either your parents accept me or I will not go into a family like yours.

So between these two things, I said, why don't we just break up. You want your ex and want to talk to him, and don't think that is wrong, and you want me to move out from my parents home and be on my own. I can't tolerate the former and am not going to sacrifice my health for the latter.

Then her friend showed up. Here we are discussing whether to end a fifteen month relationship and she says that she has to go. So I said, why not just end it now, we have just brought up two major problems and issues that cannot be resolved. So just end it. I hung up (or she did). We had hung up on each other several times now and called each othe back.

She called back and told me that we could speak tomorrow. I asked he if she would reconsider both issues. She said she would. I said honestly will you reconsider, because I am not going through this another time. She said she would...so we will speak tomorrow and see what happens. I really think that she is controlling the relationship in many ways. She is calling the shots. I am supposed to romance her, and do all these things. I am supposed to support her. I don't mind all these things, but she has to listen to me and submit to me, when I demand it. (I am only demanding, because requesting doesn't seem to cut it). So lets see what happens tomorrow. To be honest, anything can happen....I really feel it is 50% either way. Tune in tomorrow.

Where is she?

Darling, where are you? How come you don't call me? Even your emails are so brief. I want to know what is going on with you. I know, I know, we are supposed to be taking a break, in order to find the will of God. But how come you pour out your heart to me (kind of/somewhat) and when you won't let me pour out my heart? I know you have been through a lot and you need to heal and get things right with God. If that is the case I can wait. That is only fair. And if this is how it has to be right now...well, that is fine with me. If you simply need to lean on me right now, that is fine. I can lean on God, I don't want to burden you with much more. But please, don't do things on your own, get counsel, or seek God so that you are sure of what you are doing. But what is the point, you never read my blog. :-) Well, you act like you don't care, but I really know that you care an awful lot.

She really is wonderful, she does care. Right now, there are plenty of issues in both our lives, and I can see where she is coming from. Ok, I can't see...all women are crazy. They just don't think logically. Today I was getting my hair cut. Because of her, I don't go to the el-Cheapo barber anymore. I was going to this salon but the appointments and the cost ($25 before the tip) was pretty high. So I found an academy of hairdressing and I found that they cut hair for $10. Students-in-training (aren't all students in training?) cut the hair. So I went there and got my haircut. While I was there I spoke with the girl cutting my hair. I was the only male customer. She mentioned that male customers are very loyal to their hair-cutting person. But women are fickle, they change frequently. I think it is because of the woman's personality (as I know all too well) and also because women change hair, fashions and clothes often. In any case, my haircut came out well. I think she would like it. The point I was making is that all women have this instability to them. Perhaps it is a reflection of their creativity. Perhaps I am unfairly categorizing. In any case, I have found the place to get my haircut without spending a fortune--so I am happy about that.

Meanwhile I feel worn down a bit. I can feel that my body is weary. My shoulders are aching...my muscles are probably atrophying a little. I am still breathless, although a bit less. And I have little energy. After any type of exertion, I need to sit down, actually lie down and rest.

Darling, one thing I want to ask you about is this. Why is it that you are making so many requests of me. You tell me the ball is in my court, as far as this relationship goes. But it is not, you told me you want me to ask your father and your pastor for your hand in marriage. You have set up these rules, you have said that my parents have to agree. So how is it in my court? These things are contradictory. And then you have doubts whether it is God's will. Is there any wonder? Just let go. Leave things alone. God's plan is way above us. We can't put a label on how He will do things.

One thing I will not allow, is for you not submitting to me. Especially when we are married. First of all, I am stable and am a good leader. Second, it is according to scriptures. And you know me, I won't be overbearing and demanding.

We do love each other. There is a love here (Equal on Both sides) that is simply amazing. I do express it, but for some reason she isn't. Please express the way you feel, darling. Don't hold back, cause you know that I am not holding anything back...

Faith, Hope and Love

We spoke today, and she is still keeping her distance. Even though she said that she thought I was from God, for some reason she is not asking me about how I am and how things are. I think she is "guarding her heart." That means she is not getting emotionally involved with me. But on the other hand she pours out her heart to me (at least that is what it seems). She doesn't even ask me how I feel, even though she knows I am sick. That is tough. But I was reading 1 Corinthians 13, and it says that Love is patient, is not jealous and doesn't take into account wrongs. So I really need God's grace to truly love her and not be upset.

She told me that she called her ex-boyfriend. She had wanted to do this for a long time, I told her that I did not like her doing that. And she agreed, but deep down inside she still wanted to--that is what she told me yesterday. That she called him and then she realized that she didn't like him anymore. I thought this break, was to see if we were God's will for each other. But no, she is seeing if her ex is still appealing. I was actually fine with it, because I thought she called and then was done with it. I don't know why she called him, and then today I asked her if she was going to call him again. She said that I was supposed to "trust her," and she wouldn't answer whether she would or wouldn't call. I thought at the very least, she could email so that I would know what was happening. She really liked him a lot, so much that even when she was with me, she was thinking about him. That is why I was so upset, because when we were together, she was bringing him up. I can't believe it.

These thoughts were running through my mind all day. On and off. I finally prayed and asked God to really take control. How does God want me to handle this? How do I want to handle it? I want to call her and yell at her, and say that it is not fair. But love is patient, love is not jealous. So that is my answer from the Good Book. I shouldn't do a thing. Since she is a believer in Christ, her conscience will let her know what to do and what not to do. Perhaps she is not doing anything wrong at all. I really don't know if she will call again, if they will fall in love, or what. It is so hard. But I will let it go. God will protect and change her or perhaps change me. Perhaps it is ok for her to call him and to talk to him. Perhaps I am being too ridiculous. Maybe, but it kills me inside. But I will let God handle it, I won't say a word. I will try not to. Unless she asks me, specifically. If she doesn't want to know how I feel or how I am studying, then I won't tell her. If she cares or wants to care, she will ask me. Oh Lord, give me grace to hang on, in these difficult times...

Absolute Surrender

On Friday, I went to the hospital for the first of three bi-weekly Remicade infusions. It went ok, but I really was nervous. After reading all the side effects, I was quite worried. Fortunately everything went well, the nurse was incredible. Really quality healthcare. She was an older nurse (I don't want that special someone to worry!). And although there were moments of anxiety, I felt ok. I was really knocked out by the benedryl they gave me. I guess they gave me a high dose, because I was wiped out all day and into the evening. After that and into the next day, I felt really physically exhausted and breathless at times. I really am still tired and have absolutely no energy.

Sunday, at church, the pastor spoke about Matthew 6--the Lord's Prayer. Actually about the part that says, "Thy kingom come, Thy will be done." That really means that we should pray that God's will be done. His plan should happen in our lives. That means we should give up our ideas, and realize that His plan is what is best for our lives. As
Reinhold Niebuhr wrote in "The Serenity Prayer,"

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

This essentially means, that sometimes God's will is not what we want. That perhaps God wants us to change rather than for Him to change our circumstances. The link is provided above to read the whole prayer.

This weekend she went to her old college town to visit some old friends. She was with some of the old Indian friends. Elders. I was surrendering her to the Lord. Yet, God kept her on my heart. Especially since I was sick, and not knowing what would happen. I thought that perhaps I should call her and tell her I loved her. I called, she answered and she was really angry at me. I won't tell you all the things she said. Well, she was mad. Her Indian friend was saying that I was not the one for her. That God had someone else for her. I though that perhaps she was saying it just to help her understand that it would not happen. I mean what better thing to tell someone that there is no hope. I mean if there is, then at least they can say they were wrong. If they were right that there was no hope, at least the person is prepared. I took it pretty hard. But I did tell her I loved her. I was really upfront about that.

Today morning I awoke and saw I had a voicemail. She left a message saying that she really wanted me to go on with my life. The kind of message that meant that she loved me but had to let me go, because I was not the one for her. I really was upset. But I went to my Bible and I prayed. I realized that God had the best in mind for me. He truly wants the best for me. If she is part of His plan, He will bring it about. If not, He will give me the grace to continue. It was tough, but I really had peace. I let go, and let God. A well-used cliche, but it is true.

This afternoon as soon as I got to the library, there was a voicemail. She said that she thinks that I am from God. In other words, if I am correct, she believes that this relationship is from God. My spirits are up. God is good. If we just obey, He listens. Thank you Jesus for you incredible love for me.

I miss her so much...

I just can't wait until I am with her again. I can't wait to hold her in my arms. To just welcome her when she comes back to me. To show her how happy I am with her in my life. I just hope I get the chance to say all of this. I have been reading her emails and she seems to be having a great time without me. She does have lots of friends and has lots of things to do--she is very busy. I just miss her, and hope that it all works out. But if it doesn't...it will be so hard. I probably won't get married for a long time. I can't see myself going out with anyone else, or pursuing a relationship with anyone else, not at least until I am done my residency. In any case, it is in God's hands. It is hard to let go, but I have no other choice. If God wants this to happen, it will...

Did I overreact?

The fact that I am a doctor has lots to do with it. Just the knowledge of what can go wrong (that is the subject of Pathology, in a nutshell--what can go wrong and how it goes wrong!) perhaps caused me to overreact. I think that things will be ok, I am in God's hands. Perhaps I will have some rough moments in life, but overall I think I will be fine and live a normal life. I know that fibre and fruits and vegetables will have to be a part of my normal diet. I remember seeing a movie, with a child who was sick in bed, and he thought he was going to die. Then the doctor came in and was examing the child. Then the doctor passed gas...yes, a little bit of flatulence. And the child reasoned (correctly) that if things were so serious the doctor would have a little bit more reverence and would have contained himself. It was a good movie, one of those Irish/U.K. films.

I neglected to mention completely how, I called her on Saturday night. It was very late, and I was really emotionally despondent. Well she didn't take it too well. She said that I can't depend on her right now. She called up the next morning and left a message saying that she was sorry. I guess for losing her temper. I don't blame her, my situation is pretty grim. With my health and with my parents, and my life in general. But I have faith that whatever she is going through (and I have no idea), is going to make her know clearly whether she should be in the relationship or not.

All I know is that I love her and I can't wait to be part of her life again. She is so adorable. Let me tell you why. The other day she called and something was wrong. Let me give you an illustration how she was describing what was wrong:

She: I am really upset.
Me: OK, what is wrong?
She: I am on the side of the road and all the cars are passing me and no one is stopping to help.
Me: What is wrong with your car? Should I call AAA for you?
She: It won't go.
Me: Why? Does it start?
She: Yes it starts, but why is this happening to me?
Me: Then why won't you drive away?
She: The car was shaking, and I pulled over, I am so scared!
Me: Can you drive it to a gas station, otherwise wait there and I will call AAA.
She: No I can't drive it! Why me!!!!
Me: Why not?
She: There is a flat tire.
Me: OK I will call AAA.
She: ok do it and it is your fault because you should have been checking my tires, that is your job!
Me: OK I am sorry...forgive me!

This is how she would be. And this is how she was that night when she called me except that she was upset about her dad. The fact that he is a Hindu, and how much he needs Jesus. I know that is so important in our lives. whoops, I should say her life--at least unless we get married. But all she needs is a place and time to release her feelings. And then she needs lots of love. And tenderness. I feel I can give those to her. I think I have been stifling her. I will wait until she contacts me, or I will just wait until I feel that God wants us to be in touch with each other again. Let God do things in His time. I feel so relieved right now.

In Christianity, they talk about taking up the cross. That means to say no to yourself, to abstain to take the hard road. You do this in order to purify yourself, and at the same time to draw closer to the Lord. It is such a release to do this. The pressure just comes off. The desires and lusts are put aside and we can see what we are doing and whether God approves of it or not. Even fasting is a good thing. I need to do that more. In this case, just giving her up shows me that I am not addicted to her (um...well I was, but I know I shouldn't be because that prevents me from giving, when all I want to do is receive). I am learning much.

Getting better

Well, someone read my blog and added a comment to it. That was nice and it lifted my spirits. Things are a little better. You know, it is true that things do get better, I think we usually let things get us down up to a point. That is where we start to see things in perspective. I know that if I focus on what i have to do--my studies, my exam, and my relationships with my parents, and the person I want to marry--then God will take care of the rest.

There are also some amazing friends who just reach out to me and who truly care. May I never forget those who help, and if I can't help them back, may I remember to help others.

Today I was listening to the Radio and I head a message on Sexual Problems in Marriage.

It was very interesting, that many people who had marriage problems had been involved sexually with their partner prior to marriage. I am so glad that my girl and I have not. It would have been so easy, but we didn't. And that makes so much of a difference. If we never get married, at least we won't have this bond which we don't have the right to. We don't have each other...yet. Sex is a good thing...it is too bad that the true meaning of it has been defined by television and the film industry.

I have to learn to love her. I need to show her that love comes from my heart and that it doesn't matter what she does or how she acts, that true love from me will be displayed to her. As I heard today, so many women hear that someone "loves them," so that they can be taken advantage of sexually. I need to show to her that I love her unconditionally, that it is not dependent on what happens in the future physically with us.

I also heard how women have been physically, and verbally abused. I need to be so gentle and so tender with her. I need to just pour out love towards her. Never should i raise my voice or berate her, but just surround her with love and care and compassion.

This time off between us is really going to be beneficial. It is helping me to be a better husband (if I ever get there). Dear God, please show me if she is the one for me to spend the rest of my life with. I can truly think of no other person, nor do I want any other person, but please show me where you want me to go with my life.

Remicade

I am really down. I am struggling. First of all I am sick, my fistula is leaking blood. There was blood all over the area, staining my clothing, this morning when I awoke. I had this sinking feeling. On top of that my mom starts complaining about me. She complains about where I work. Then she is complaining about my exam. And also why I want to take it so quickly. She is truly paranoid. And then she wonders why I am never home. Well...because she is always yelling and telling me how sick I am. I KNOW HOW SICK I AM. I know I have ulcers in my body and that I am falling apart.

Now the doctor wants me to schedule my Remicade infusions. I am not looking forward to this. With all the drugs that I took before--Imuran, Asacol and then Flagyl-- I got pancreatitis. It seems that no drug works on me without miserable side affects. If you search the net for Remicade
(here is the Google search for Remicade), you will see all kinds of horror stories about what can happen. With my background, I really don't want to get into this. This could damage me for life. I also know that having inflammation is not good for me. Excessive inflammation, can lead to anemia and other problems. But what other options do I have?

But instead of asking how I feel and what I think about things, my parents, especially my mom, want to give me hell over the person I love and whose care and comfort I could use right now.

I really want to call her, but I know that sometimes she doesn't want to talk to me. We are supposed to be taking a break, but I know that my parents want me to limit my conversations with her to less than 20 minutes a week. I just can't take this anymore. To be in this illness and not have her around is just not fair. I will take this exam and pass it, and then be with her. Unless God tells me otherwise, or unless she just doesn't want me in her life anymore. That is a definite possiblity. Who wants to have a sick husband...Indians definitely don't. How depressing. I know this is a test and God is watching me to see how I perform under stress. But it is difficult. Very tough. I have no one. No one really cares about me. I know God does, but why can't he give someone on the earth who cares. I am tired of being yelled at. I am just not going to be home anymore. All they do is yell at me. I am SICK--can't they ease up on me? Then my mom say how we didn't do anything for Mother's day. We planned all this stuff, bought her flowers, I cleaned her car and washed it and vacuumed it, we bought her a cell phone (which she refused to accept, when she found out that I had paid for it partly) and she says we don't do anything for her for Mother's day. I am tired, I am sick--literally.

Mother's day 2005

Today is Mother's day. My mom was upset, not really at me though, and my parents went to New York City for the day. So we had plans to have my sister and my brother and his family over. So that had to be cancelled. I waited but my parents never came home until almost midnight. I washed my mom's car, and vacuumed it, and changed the oil. And I put air in the tires, as well as lubrication of the doors, and other things. And my siblings all pitched in and we are getting a cell phone for my mom. It should come by monday. So by the time my mom came back she was in a better mood. She was actually in a good mood.

Today I went to church and things were pretty bad. My mom was not around on Mother's day. I had just had a colonoscopy on Friday, and found out that I had ulcers in my colon--not good. That means I am probably losing blood, and getting anemic. I won't be able to run or cycle effectively. On top of that I have had some pretty nasty reactions to the drugs that I was taking, so the remaining drugs are pretty potent ones, with plenty of side effects. Hopefully I won't be allergic to these as well. The other option is just let it be and see what happens. How scary is that? I have been sick many times before, and this was just bringing me back to the past again. Flashbacks of being sick in India, all of it was coming back. My times in the hospital, unable to eat, losing weight. Fevers lasting for over a month. Imagine, everytime you take your temperature, that you have a fever, for a month. I just am not ready for all of that again. Anyhow, I was at church, not having any friends, and my girl is nowhere to be found. And once her Indian parents find out that I am sick they are not going to want to have me as their son-in-law. So now I lose the love of my life. On top of that, assuming that I lose her, who is going to marry someone that is sick, as far as Indian traditional marriages go, this is not a good risk. And my parents are upset at me. Church was ok, but I came back and was in a dark mood. Then I had a bowel movement and at the end, there was the blood. It was back. I had this sinking feeling. Loss of blood, anemia, drugs, loss of appetite...a big endless cycle, spiralling down. Oh, Lord, please, spare me....

The the phone rang. I *69ed. It was her. Yes HER. (I called and left a message earlier saying, that she would be a wonderful mother, no matter who she married). It was my girl. So I called back and we had a long talk. I know, I was supposed to only talk for 20 minutes a week with her, according to the agreement with my dad...and I guess I exceeded it. She called me for a change. She was singing at an Indian function and her american friend left to go to church before she started singing. Anyhow, she was upset, and we talked and I poured out my heart to her and she poured out her heart to me. I told her how sorry I was for some of the things I had done in the past. I had judged her for her sins, and yet mine (in the same area) were so much worse. I apologized. I really love her. I know it, in my heart, that she is going to be a perfect helpmate. She is the woman in Proverbs 31. I told her how much I loved her and she told me she loved me. IT was wonderful to hear her voice and to feel her love. I am ecstatic. But I have to go on and do the things that I am supposed to do. PAss my exam, and seek God regarding our relationship. God knew how down I was, and He created that urge in her to call me. He really does care.

I feel God has a plan for my life, a specific plan. He has given me gifts. I may not be a crucial figure in the 21st century church, but in some way, I will be useful touching some lives here and there. Fulfilling the role that God has for me in His Church. And God willing, my beautiful girl will be alongside me as we fulfill our roles in the Church together.

Versed

Versed is a benzodiazepine, it is also known as midazolam. It is a drug used for anesthesia. And I am on it because I had a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I couldn't eat anything solid and I took some laxatives, so that my colon would be empty. It was empty and it was not too pleasant. Then today I went for the colonoscopy without eating or drinking anything from midnight, last night. Things went well, there were no complications--they could have torn the lining of the intestine, it could have bled and I would have needed a transfusion, or I could have had an adverse reaction to the anesthetic. So what did they find? They found ulcers in my colon. There is inflammation in my colon. And ulcers. I most likely have Crohn's disease or Ulcerative colitis. The doctor wants me to start a drug called Remicade. It is a new drug and can be pretty bad. I have had reactions to all these drugs and now, I have to take another drug. I am really upset. Primarily because I can't even tell the person I love, what is happening and how I feel. She doesn't even know what is happening. I want to call or tell her, but we agreed to take a break. And also I am afraid, if I tell her at this point, she will not want to marry her. Her parents know I am sick and now, they will be against it as well. Why didn't she just end the relationship? Why didn't she just break up?

I have to lean on the Lord and let him have His way with me. Perhaps I am supposed to be going through this for a reason. To build character, to build endurance, to grow closer to the Lord. I know all of this will happen. But what about my helper? What about the one I love, shouldn't she be by my side? Does she even love me anymore? When I call, I don't hear a hint of care. Just matter-of-fact tone. Not malicious, but just even, measured. Now I wonder, perhaps she realizes that I am not the one for her. And she is willing to give me up. Perhaps she doesn't want it anymore. Even if this is not God's will for my life, it will hurt so badly. To have the person I love, not want me any longer. That will hurt, and yes, I will recover and get over it. I do want God's will in my life. Why, though, would he let this go so far and then say no? We were actually getting signs that we SHOULD marry. But that could all change.

I don't think I can find anyone like her. She is the person that I can spend the rest of my life with. Finding another Indian, Christian, who grew up in America, who loves the Lord as much as she does will be very difficult. Perhaps I may never find anyone else, then I will have to go on with my life. The only positive thing I can think of right now, is that whatever the will of God is for her--she will follow it. Of that I am certain, so I do not see one of us being a "jilted" lover. Well only time will tell. Will this blog continue? No one reads it, but will it continue?.....

Five Reasons

My parents have agreed that they will talk to her Pastor, Dean and friend (maybe) if I will keep our conversations to less than 20 minutes a week. I agreed to that and my dad will go up and visit and tell them that her and I are incompatible. My parents arguments are ridiculous. They have spoken to so many people about this and have eliminated people who disagree with them. I will have to go and speak to a couple of people after my exam and tell them my side of the story. This is all because my mom is fighting against this. I do not know why. Perhaps she has a paranoid personality disorder. That is a very likely explanation. Another one may be that she simply wants control, or she doesn't want to lose me, or she thinks that my girl is very strong (just like my girl's mother). Since my mom has been the central figure in the opposition to all this, for her to agree would be defeat. That is hard for anyone. Even if the relationship were to end because we felt God was leading us elsewhere, that would be humbling for me. My parents arguments against this are all over the place:
1. It is not God's will.
2. She is going to be a full-time missionary and I am not.
3. She can't support me.
4. She does not listen to her parents-she won't move back home and go to Grad School like her parents want her to.
5. God is judging me because I am sick, therefore I should end the relationship.
And various other reasons...

The main thing is that reason #3 and #4 contradict reason #2. They have dug themselves in such a big hole, I don't think they can extricate themselves. Their only way "out" is to let us marry "against their wishes" and either accept me back at a later date, or disown me. The other possiblity is a miracle. Well, there is yet another possibility or two: we could be wrong, this may not be God's plan for our lives...

The reason I feel that this could be God is that I have peace about her. The way we met was THROUGH my PARENTS. THEY introduced us. Our pastors and spiritual mentors are not against it. Our friends are ok with it. The only people who are against it are the ones who have heard ONLY ONE SIDE of the story--and that is my parents slanted side.

She also told her dad that I was sick. She should tell him. They should know the truth about me. They may very well oppose the marriage now. In fact, she might even be seriously considering ending things for good. I have no way of knowing. Her mom told her sister that she broke up with me.

So I will sit back, pray and literally leave it in God's hands. I need to be humble, confess my sins, love all who are involved. And wait on the Lord. Wait for a sign for something to turn around or to happen. God is faithful and he will prove it.

I will study and pass the exam and see what happens. I will limit my conversations with her. We are simply not talking. But I know one thing...if it is NOT the will of God she will NOT marry me. But if it is His plan, she will not rebel.